


MPGiS Season 2

by Dontaskdontpastel (Mistressaq)



Series: Most Popular Queens [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF, The Most Popular Girls in School
Genre: Comedy, Crushes, Insults, Mild Smut, Multi, Rivalry, Slapstick, Stupidity, Teen Pregnancy, Vag-inity, dont take anything in this story seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25436587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistressaq/pseuds/Dontaskdontpastel
Summary: Prom is over! Cheer Nationals awaits! Rivalries! Backstabbing! Teen Pregnancy! All this and more on this season of the Most Popular Queens in School
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Series: Most Popular Queens [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1547560
Kudos: 6





	1. Pregananant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A positive pregnancy test is found in the girl's bathroom. investigation ensues

As Katya went about her business in the stall of the girls bathroom, reclaimed from the Thunderfucks, she surveyed her surroundings, noticing something plastic and white sticking out of the trash can. It wasn’t a tampon applicator. She tilted her head and leaned closer to get a better look and found a teeny tiny screen displaying two pink lines and a key next to it. 

Without thinking, Katya grabbed the stick. Her mind went to exactly one place. 

“No no no no no no,” she muttered, unlocking the stall door and racing out of the bathroom.

“Nonononononono.” Katya brisk-walked through the hallway to the doors, then sprinted across the green and burst through another door and brisk-walked further down another hallway until she caught sight of Willam.

She was talking to a guy who was saying something about ‘good but not great’ when Katya plunged her fist directly into Willam’s abdomen with the full force of her body weight.

Willam doubled over, falling to her knees. “Wha- the FUCK?!” she demanded, shooting an angry glare at her assailant. 

Katya panted. “You, are one of the best friends I have ever had and I will NOT let you throw away your life like this.” She shook her head. “You’re too young. You’re _too beautiful!_ ”

“What? The fuck are you talking about?” Willam grunted, also out of breath.

Katya stretched out her hand to hover over where she’d punched Willam. “I’m talking about the baby growing inside your belly right now.”

The guy Willam had been talking to about-faced. “I’m out!”

Willam straightened up a little to yell in his direction: “I’m not pregnat!”

Katya scoffed and crossed her arms. “Not after that hit, you’re not. I’ve been taking muay thai classes. 

Willam leaned against the lockers behind her for support. “I was never pargent, Katya.”

The girl stopped in her tracks. She thought about the route she’d taken in her certainty. She would definitely be late to class and wouldn’t even have a good reason. “Uh. Are--are you sure?”

“Yes I’m FUCKING SURE!” Willam whined.

Valentina marched over, pissed. “I’m sorry but why the FUCK is everybody yelling over here?”

Katya held up her plastic discovery. “Well I found this positive gregnancy test in the girl’s bathroom and--”

Valentina landed a punch square to Willam’s gut. 

Willam doubled over again. “Augh! MutherFUCKER!”

“Okay, I know we’ve had our differences in the past but I _cannot_ stand idly by and let you ruin our chances at cheer nationals!” Valentina said. “And we will never get there with you rocking a fetus fanny pack.”

“I’m _not_ progint,” insisted Willam.

Valentina’s voice softened. “Oh, well I just assumed--”

Katya nodded, happy she wasn’t the only one. “It does make sense.”

“No,” Willam asserted. “It _doesn’t_ make sense. I have told you guys repeatedly that I am saving my VAG-inity for someone special. I. Have standards.”

“Wow, _so noble,”_ remarked Katya.

“Allright,” said Valentina. “Now that we’ve established it’s not Willam and her backdoor butt-hole standards, Katya?”

“Uh, my boyfriend doesn’t have any testicles.” Katya brightened. “He has a penis sometimes; it’s a nice one, we picked it out together.” 

Valentina nodded. “And it can’t be me because I’m halfway through shark week.” Katya and Willam shared an anxious look. “Yeah,” said Valentina. “I know what you two call my period when I’m not around.”

The head cheerleader paced around the hall. “Which means that somebody _else_ is knocked up. So let’s go find out who it is.”

Katya smiled. “And congratulate them!” 

_“No,_ mock them.” Valentina spun around. “Ridicule them and tell everyone we can. This is high school, not an episode of Lizzie fuckin’ McGuire.”

During the next passing period, the triad scoped out the school, trying to figure out who the mom-to-be was. Between the two school buildings, they ran into a certain new girl. 

“Oh, hi Adore,” said Valentina.

Adore turned around and raised a metallic hand in greeting. “Oh hey.”

All three cheerleaders jumped back in surprise. 

“What the fuck?!” Willam gasped.

“Holy shit!” Valentina whispered.

“Awesome!” said Katya.

Adore had gone MIA from school for the last week or so. Valentina thought maybe her parents had pulled her out in fear of her safety after she’d gotten her arms ripped off by the Overboard Park cheer squad and the Thunderfuck sisters. Now the girl not only had arms, but two separate kinds: one metallic straight out of _Star Trek: First Contact._ The other looked just looked like a regular arm, the skin tone not quite matching the rest of Adore. Honestly the strangest part was the fact that she was wearing the same white dress she always did. Surely becoming the bionic woman would have necessitated a wardrobe change.

The girl in question turned to completely face the cheer trio, her expression flat. “What?”

“You. You have arms.” Willam floundered, pointing.

Adore didn’t miss a beat. “So do you--you want a fuckin’ medal?”

Katya looked to Valentina, confused. “D-didn’t we rip her arms off?”

Finally making the connection, Adore showed off her new limbs. “Oh, you mean my new prosthetics? Yeah I just got them. Cool, right?”

Willam cough/laughed. “Okay, but. Why the fuck. Do you have two different kinds of arms now?”

Adore scratched the back of her neck with her bionic arm. “It’s kind of a long story.”

~~~

_Adore stood before a wall of options, eyeing up the two available types. Though the prosthetics came in many sizes, shapes and colors, there were essentially only two styles and the humanoid had exactly three choices of skin tone._

_She mulled it over aloud. “The ones that looks human--no, robotic. No, human. No, robotic. No,” she turned around grinning at the fascinated surgeon and her worried parents. “BOTH!”_

~~~

“Oh, well,” remarked Willam. “That seems like a perfectly rational decision.” She shook her head and mouthed ‘what?’ to Katya, who shrugged.

Valentina returned to the mystery at hand. “So, tell me, Adore. Are you pergant?”

Katya suddenly got very excited. “Ohmygod, is it gonna be like a robot baby?” Her mouth dropped in awe. “Is it gonna be a robot?”

Adore’s face screwed up in disgust. “What? _Fuck_ no, I’m not pregnate. I haven’t had a lot of time for dating lately. In case you didn’t know this, guys don’t really wanna fuck a girl _with no arms_ !” She leaned in, lowering her voice as if she was afraid of being overheard. “And the guys that do? Are _very strange_.” 

Valentina’s eyebrows furrowed in contemplation. “Well, if it’s not you then--” realization struck. Valentina’s voice hitched like it had when prom queen finalists were announced. “Oh, _oh_ Jesus fucking yellow penguins _yes!”_

Katya was suddenly very uncomfortable; Valentina sounded exactly like she had on prom night when Matt hit her sweet spot.

The brown-haired cheer captain spun around excitedly on her heel and took off running toward the south building. “Come on, girls!”

They came upon Alaska, who was chatting with Courtney Act, making the exchange student giggle. 

Valentina led the charge. “Hello, ASSka Thunderfuck.”

Alaska responded by socking Willam in the gut. 

The blonde crumpled to the floor. Grunting, she defended: “I. Am not. Pragnat!”

“Oh, I know that,” said Alaska. “My sister told me to give that to you.” She opened her bag and presented a thin book to Katya. “My other sister told me to give _this_ to you.”

Katya read the title aloud. _“The Cat in the Hat Comes Back_ _!_ I’ve heard really good things about this.”

Valentina waved away the strangeness of what just happened. The smile in her voice was unstoppable. She was on top of the world. “Oh, _‘Lasky_ _!_ I heard the good news! _Congratulations_ _!”_

“I can’t think of a better person to get fat than you,” Willam remarked, straightening her back after the assault.

Courtney smiled and nodded toward the co-head-vice-captain of the cheer squad. “Oh, good mornin’ to you, Willam.”

“And a good ‘fuck you’ to you too, Courtney Act,” spat Willam.

Alaska shook her head and zipped her bedazzled backpack shut. “What even are you bitches babbling about?” 

Valentina smirked, smug with schadenfreude. “Oh, just the good news that the Thunderfucks are about to add a new _pup_ to their _litter.”_

Katya leaned down to speak to Alaska’s leopard print belt. “You’re so lucky,” she cooed. “It’s like being born into royalty.”

Alaska shot Katya a look until she backed out of Alaska’s personal space. “Are you guys trying to infeeeerrrr that I am with chiiiiillld?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.

Willam grimaced dramatically. “Well, not so much that as harboring what I can only assume is the spawn of Satan himself inside you.”

Alaska folded her arms across her chest, leaned back and glanced at Courtney. “But that is specifically what you’re asking me, riiiiight? Because I’m not.”

Exasperated, Valentina said louder than necessary _“What?”_

Katya looked down at the plastic in her palm. “Well, then whose pee have I been carrying around on this stick all day?”

At that exact moment, Blaine rounded the corner and asked “Hey, Courtney, do you think our baby is gonna be Australian or American? Nevermind--I wanna be surprised.”

“Wait-- _Courtney?!”_ demanded Valentina. _“You’re_ pregnant?”

Willam barked a laugh. 

“Yea, I am ’avin Blaine’s baby." Courtney took her boyfriend’s hand. "So it’s my pee you hold on ye’ stick, Katee-yer.”

Disgusted, Valentina directed Katya to throw the thing away. Katya did, her mind still trying to process the news.

Willam cackled. _“YOU’RE_ fucking pargente?” Cackle. _“THAT’S_ hysterical!” She pointed at Courtney. “You can barely speak English.” She pointed at Blaine. “You’re a fucking moron! Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! You still wear fucking footie pyjamas you _stupid idiot_ _!”_

“My feet get cold,” Blaine defended softly, pouting. 

Courtney rubbed her boyfriend’s shoulder. “He has cold feet.”

Willam was hysterical. She fell to her knees still laughing. She managed to get ahold of herself for long enough to pray aloud: “God? It’s me, Willam. I know I said I was an atheist. But I was wrong. So wrong! But I am back. And I am all yours. Do with me what you want!” With that she pulled her keys from her pocket and stood back up, proclaiming “This is the best day ever! I am going shopping!”

She took one last look at Courtney, tears running down her cheeks. “Thank you, Courtney Act. Thank you so _fucking much!”_

As Willam turned to leave for the student parking lot, Courtney said “You are welcome, Willam. It is an honor to be carrying the -- how’d ya say -- baby of the man you once loved.”

Willam stopped dead in her tracks, all glee in her voice sucked out. “Are you fucking serious. We all just said ‘baby’ literally about a hundred times. _You_ even just said the word ‘baby’.” Willam panted. “So don’t fucking pretend like you don’t know how to say ‘baby’ you PREGNANT CALIFORNIAN **_BITCH_** _ **!”**_

Katya and Valentina formed a barricade to stop their friend from dismembering the exchange student. If it happened more than once in a year people were bound to get suspicious.

“Okay,” Courtney shrugged. Alaska smiled at her and linked her arm through Courtney’s. Blaine wrapped his arm around Courtney’s waist and the three walked off to class together, unbothered by the cheer triad’s taunts.

Alaska turned her head before rounding the corner with her friends. “Biiieeeeee!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment how many different spellings of 'pregnant' you found in this chapter!


	2. The Quest for Zinfandel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol must be bought but the only people available are all under 21. One of whom has a robotic arm infused with super-strength.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This episode features some of my favorite moments ever, especially of Adore’s character. Expect the return of MKD’s character--God, she’s fun to write.

Ongina Thunderfuck stood bare-foot on the kitchen countertop, her stubby fingers searching as high as they could go. In her struggle, she grunted, hoping the expelled air would somehow make her lighter. She still struggled, but knew it was in vain and called for help. “Mom! Mom! _Mommy_!”

“What do you want, Ongina?” asked Mrs Kasha Davis, mother of the house. One hand disinterestedly lounged upon her swollen abdomen, the other gripped the neck of a bottle of wine. “Mommy’s busy, with her Adderall and Zinfandel.” The woman developed a far-away look. “Zinferall. Adderdel. Zin-afan-cancan…” Her speech devolved. 

“ _Mom,_ I can’t reach the Gushers!” complained the nine-year old, still reaching at the cabinet shelf in vain. 

The woman returned to reality. “Ongina, you ran through a pack of Gushers this afternoon.”

“What’s your fucking point?!” snapped the child.

“ _Jesus,_ Ongina shut the fuck up!” came the voice of Mrs Kasha Davis’ middle daughter, Alaska. The teenager’s hair hung in waves around her shoulders, makeup done to perfection; she wore clothes perfectly hugging her slight figure. It was a lot of effort, especially for a Sunday spent lounging at home. The teen drawled as she regarded her sister. “I ate the last bag of Gushers while you were finishing your afternoon bath, you dirtbaaaaalll.”

Ongina stomped her feet flat against the countertop and set her hands on her hips. “Oh! Well, in that case, Alaska, I recommend you sleep with one eye open!”

“Ongina!” snapped her mother. “What do we say about making threats _we know we can’t keep?”_

The child in question stood tall as she could. “Oh, no. Mommy, I will keep it.”

Kasha shrugged and gestured to her other daughter. “You heard her, ‘Lask. One eye open.” She took a swig. 

There was a click of the front door opening and closing and eldest, nineteen-year old Violet came home. “Hiiiieeeee!” 

“Hiiiiieeeeee!” offered Alaska.

“Hiiiieeeee!” joined Kasha.

“Hiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!” squeaked Ongina. 

When the chorus ended, Alaska tongue-popped. “Nice of you to finally show up, Violet.”

Violet shed her pea coat and hung it over the back of one of the white ornately carved dining chairs. “You know what, ‘Lask? Save it.” her voice cracked melodramatically. “I had to break up with my thirty-year-old boyfriend today, okay?” She shielded her eyes, though no tears threatened to fall down her perfectly-beaten mug.

“Oh, no, Vi, why?” Kasha’s voice was soothing.

“Because I got a brand new 31-year-old boyfriend!” she bragged, smiling and gesturing excitedly. “Suck it bitcheees!”

Violet was met with a chorus of ‘Awww!’ ‘yaaaaaay!’ and laughter at their shared good fortune.

Violet babbled as she kicked off her shoes and massaged the callouses on her feet from years of exclusive heel wear. “Yeah, my old boyfriend was always all like ‘boo hoo, I just got divorced’ and ‘ew, why’d you give me herpes?’. My new boyfriend is way more mature. He’s like ‘hey, I’ve been divorced for five years and I already had herpes so I don’t even care!’ ”

After a bout of friendly laughter, Kasha addressed her middle child. “So, ‘Lask, when’s your little friend coming over?”

Violet rolled her eyes. “Oh, great. Do we get to entertain another one of ‘Lask’s ‘investigate my vagina’ boys?”

Ongina shook her head. “Seriously, Alaska, just commit to the dick!”

“Actuallyyyyyy,” Alaska drawled. “It’s Adore.”

Violet, Ongina and Kasha all gasped dramatically. “Why am I gasping--I already knew that,” Kasha wondered aloud.

“Mom, are you talking to yourself again?” asked Alaska dismissively.

“Girls night!” Kasha exclaimed.

Violet scooted a bit closer to her sister, her voice quiet. “ ‘Lask, why would we invite Adore over? Isn’t she just a little pissed off since we ripped her arms off that one time?”

Kasha gasped, then corrected herself again. “Nope, knew that too.”

Alaska’s phone chimed. The screen displayed a text from the new girl, saying she’d arrived. “Violet, she says she doesn’t care about that anymore,” Alaska said as she approached the front door. “She has new arms now.”

There was a harsh and deep thudding at the front door that may have resembled knocking if it were done by robocop. Adore’s voice apologized from outside. “Sorry! Wrong arm!”

“Come in!” called Kasha from the kitchen.

Adore swung the heavy wooden door aside with ease and was immediately greeted by Alaska with a fierce hug. When Adore had had enough, she used her bionic arm to shove the skinny, well-dressed blonde off of her.

The rest of the Thunderfucks greeted her with a chorus of “Hiiiieeeeee!”

“Sup,” replied Adore.

Violet approached the girl, her arms pulled close to her torso, as if she was frightened the visitor would seek revenge on Violet’s own limbs. _“Adore,”_ she cooed in overblown friendliness. “I love what you’ve done with your nubs.” She ran a manicured finger across one of the ridges on Adore’s metallic limb.

“Thanks,” said Adore flatly. “Don’t scuff ‘em up. My dad’s still making payments.”

Violet immediately pulled her hand back, retreating behind the dining table. 

“Hey, MKD,” Adore nodded at the matriarch, who lifted the bottle in her hand in response. 

“Hiee, Adore!” said Ongina, beaming. 

Adore looked down on the child; her face carried an expression like she’d just smelled something foul. _“Hello, Gizmo,”_ she sneered.

Violet tried to return the center of attention to herself. “So, Adore, have you heard the big news everyone’s been talking about? _I_ have a new boyfriend.” She flipped her hair and giggled. _“Yo tengo un nuevo hombre.”_

“Oh, you know I must have missed that one,” said Adore. She turned to face Violet head-on and propped her arms up on the dining table. “I’ve been a little busy getting my _arms reattached.”_ She squinted at Violet, deeply enjoying the fearful reaction she was getting from the eldest Thunderfuck girl. “You remember, don’t you, Violet? The ones you _ripped from their_ SOCKETS?!”

Violet’s mouth was pressed into a hard line. She couldn't meet Adore’s death glare. She looked to Alaska for help. “Is it gonna be like this all night?”

Adore stepped back, relaxing. “Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.” She paused. “Similar to the way you RIPPED MY ARMS OFF MY CHEST--okay, last one.”

Kasha flipped over her open wine bottle and sighed. “Uh-oh, Mommy’s out of wine. You know what that means!” The Thunderfuck daughters groaned. “That’s right! Time for a Zinfandel run. Yaay!” 

The girls uttered a chorus of _‘nooo’_.

 _“Moom!”_ complained Alaska. “None of us are twenty-one. You’ll have to get it yourself.”

“Alaska!” Kasha’s tone was more pointed than she wanted it to be. She softened. “Mommy can’t drive right now.” She pressed a hand to her rounded belly. “Because of the baby,” she decided. “Yes, _the baby.”_

Alaska leaned against the countertop and crossed her arms over her chest. _“No,”_ she said. “Mommy can’t drive because Officer Midnight Visits came and took her license away.”

“His name is Rick,” defended Kasha. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Rick Midnightvisits.”

Alaska headed for the front door. “Come on, Adore.”

“Oh,” stopped Adore. “Is that something we’re going to do _after_ we eat?”

Violet rested a hand on Adore’s human shoulder. “Trust me, Adore, the last thing we need before dinner is our mother sobering up.” She forced Adore to look into her eyes. They were chestnut-colored-desperation. “Last time that happened, she made us _pray.”_

As the girls left, Kasha bid them off with a pleased “Biiiieeeeee!”

“Bye,” they responded.

-/-/-/

The corner store was only a block away, but two of the girls were travelling in heels, and Adore was seriously wishing she’d plundered the Thunderfuck pantry before she left. Her gut whined in emptiness. 

In front of the window, the girls grouped up, ready to strategize. Alaska took the front. “Okay, you three stay here. I’ve got a plan.”

They watched as she went in, grabbed a bottle of wine from the bottom shelf and went straight up to the counter. She smiled at the clerk whose name tag said ‘Blake’ and presented the bottle. “Just the Zinfandel for today.”

Blake smiled. “Alright, I just need to see some ID.”

“God dammit,” said Alaska before walking out of the store in a huff.

Violet scoffed once Alaska re-joined them outside. “I thought you said you had a plan.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Alaska retorted. “I did have a plan; go in, buy the Zinfandel, then leave.”

“Oh,” noted Violet haughtily. “You’re right, ‘Lask. Guess the only part of your plan that didn’t work was the WHOLE GODDAMN THING.” She swept her hair over her shoulders and let the straps of her dress fall down her shoulders. Violet checked herself out in the barely reflective window. “I should have done this from the very start. If there’s one thing I learned at college, it’s how to get alcohol from boys.”

Violet strutted about the store, waving her hips in the general direction of Blake at every opportunity, offering a coy smile here and there. She had pulled her top down enough to show more than a tasteful amount of tit. As she sauntered toward the counter, Violet made use of all of her many assets, including her winning smile for Miss Rainbow County three years straight. She daintily placed the bottle of wine down before Clerk Blake, leaning her chest at an angle so he would have a clear view of her cleavage. “Just this for today.” She looked up at him through thick false lashes. 

“Yeah,” he said, unimpressed. “I’m gonna need to see some ID.”

“Oh,” Violet giggled. “Of course.” She went like she was going to take ID out of her bra, but instead she fully yanked down the top of her dress to let The Twins bounce free. “Oh, oops, look. Ahaha! Golden Girls fell out,” Violet beamed. “Anything else?”

“You don’t remember me, do you, Violet?” 

Her face fell. Violet looked Clerk Blake up and down, trying to place him. “Mm, no, I don’t remember most people.”

“Blake Jenson?”

“Mmmm, nope.”

“I was starting quarterback our senior year?”

“Huh, Blake with an B, you threw a ball…” she puckered her lips seductively.

Blake’s unkempt eyebrows arched. “Um, yeah, we were on Prom Court together.” 

“Prom,” Violet’s eyes lit up. “I remember Prom--I was Prom Queen!”

Blake extended his arms on either side, frustrated. “We dated for _two years.”_

“Dated--monogamously?” Violet’s brows arched in skepticism. “I _definitely_ don’t remember you.”

“And you dumped me for a 29-year-old after graduation.”

“Oh, riiiiiiight,” Violet awkwardly adopted her sister’s signature drawl. She did not remember this Blake at fucking all. _“Blaaaake!_ You look so good!” she tried.

He shook his head. “No, I don’t.” 

It was true. He had a gross amount of hipster beard going on and his skin looked super rough under the fluorescent lighting. _“Dammit!”_ hissed Violet.

“And you’re not 21,” said Blake.

Disgruntled, Violet pulled her dress back up. Outside, Adore stood blinking, a lot. “That was more of you than I ever needed or wanted to see,” Adore said to Violet, eyes still wide.

“You get used to it,” deadpanned Alaska. “So what happened, Vi, the Saggy Sisters not get us any booze?”

 _“Oh, how funny,”_ sneered Violet. “My little sister made a _joke_. Shut the fuck up! The Ghost of Christmas past wouldn’t give me any.” She jerked a thumb toward the window where Blake watched them from inside. 

Alaska smiled and waved at him through the window. “Thought I recognized him.”

“Awesome,” said Adore. “Can we just go eat now?”

“Don’t worry. I got this!” squeaked Ongina.

A few minutes later a bottle of wine appeared on the counter in front of Blake the Clerk. “Hello?” He looked around for a few minutes, trying to identify where the invisible customer was when he caught sight of Ongina under the counter. He just blinked and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was _so_ not getting paid enough for this shit. “I’m gonna need to see some ID.”

A high-pitched voice squeaked “God _dammit!”_

She went back to her family outside empty-handed and disappointed. “Nothing.”

Alaska sighed. “Oh well, there’s a QuickTrip about five miles down, we could pay a homeless guy to--”

“I’m SORRY, but I was invited over for DINNER, not some Indiana Jones Zinfandel hunt,” Adore interrupted, red-faced and hangry. “I could be at Josué’s Nachos or an Outback Steakhouse right now, but instead I’m here with you three think-for-yourselfers. Now step aside.” She directed with her intimidating bionic arm. It caught the dim light like a funhouse mirror, twisting its surroundings. “If it’s a bottle of Zinfandel that stands between me and a chicken-fried-prime-rib, then a bottle of Zinfandel you shall have.” With that, Adore stormed her way into the corner store, leaving the rest of the Thunderfucks behind.

“The fuck is a chicken fried prime rib?” asked Violet.

Alaska shook her head. “I dunno, but Mom definitely doesn’t know how to make anything more elaborate than corn dogs.”

Adore hadn’t even gotten to the counter yet holding the wine in her human hand when Blake began “I need to see some--”

His speech was cut off by a metal vise grip on his throat as a teenage girl stared into his eyes with a glare that told Blake she would actually kill him. _“Listen,”_ she sneered. “I am _buying_ this bottle of wine.” She smiled, the message behind her expression anything but friendly. “Now, you can sell it to me, or _I_ can sell _your_ organs on the black market!”

Blake was struggling to breathe. He tried to pry apart her metallic fingers and give himself some air. She was too strong for him. He choked out a few desperate sobs; she paid them no mind.

“The truth is,” she continued but Blake was having a hard time hearing over the blood rushing in his ears. “Your little power trip tonight cost me twenty-five minutes that I _could_ have spent eating several helpings of a delicious chicken-fried-prime-rib dinner.” She let up on his throat just long enough for him to choke in some air and then immediately tightened. “So as I hold your fragile little life in my stainless steel fingertips, I ask you, cashier: _do you_ need my ID?” Blake’s vision blackened. **_“DO YOU?”_**

The cyborg let up just enough for the cashier to choke out: “No-yeah-we’re good.”

Blake crumpled to the floor like a puppet with severed strings. He heard a slap and winced. When he pulled himself back up he saw that at least the cyborg had left a twenty behind as payment. 

Outside, Adore triumphantly held aloft the desired bottle of wine. The sisters cheered and thanked their friend, patting her on the back before they all marched home for a well-deserved dinner.


	3. Mall Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Overboard Park cheer squad run into a rival cheer squad while at the mall. Drama ensues. A wager is made. Stars get crossed.

“Aloe-WHAT?” demanded Valentina. She crinkled the butcher paper on the examination table where she was sitting. She regarded the mirror on the doctor’s table like an ex-lover.

“Alopecia. It’s--” the doctor took one look at the teen’s expression and backtracked. “Well, you don’t have it, so there’s really no point in explaining it to you.”

Valentina was exasperated. She’d switched shampoos, rubbed her scalp with essential oils--everything she could think of up to this point short of going to the doctor. “Well, if it isn’t that then why the FUCK do I look like a young Jeremy Piven?!” She gestured toward her patchy scalp and growing bald spot. She had hoped she was just paranoid about the hair loss until Alaska Thunderfuck pointed it out at prom.

The doctor returned his gaze to the clipboard in his hand. “Well, looking at your chart, I’d say you’re suffering with a case of FPB.”

Valentina gasped. If Stephen gave her something she was going to need Willam to help her hide his body. “But--I always use a condom.” “Unless I’m in a pool," She scoffed. "Because everybody knows you can’t get pregnant in water.” 

The doctor just stared at her, then pinched the bridge of his nose. It had already been a very long day. “Okay,” he started, unable to look Valentina in the eye. “First of all, that’s not even remotely true. And second,” He looked deeply into the cheerleader’s hazel eyes, under the false eyelashes. “FPB is not a sexually transmitted infection. It stands for Female Pattern Baldness.”

Valentina’s breath hitched. She leaned back, away from the truth. “What. The. FUCK?”

The doctor raised a hand “Okay, I’d appreciate--”

“I _can’t_ be going bald in high school.” Valentina jumped from her seat and started anxiously pacing the exam room. “I mean Jesus Christ, doc, why don’t you just tell me I’m _poor?!”_ She threw up her hands.

The doctor raised his own hands. “Okay, this isn’t the end of the world,” he assured her. “This is a fully reversible condition.” 

“Okay, what are we talking about here?” Valentina pressed her palms together, pleading for good news. “Pill? Shot? Shot in the butt? Pill in the butt? Talk to me, doc.”

The doctor chuckled a little and ran a hand through his own thinning hair. “Well, we’re definitely not going to put anything in your butt.”

Valentina barked a laugh. “First time I’ve ever heard a guy say that.”

 _“Right.”_ He looked back at the chart, trying to purge Valentina’s last comment from his mind. “The number one thing we need to concern ourselves with is stress management. Do you often find yourself in a stressful environment?”

Valentina smiled. “I’m eighteen and attractive. What the fuck is there for me to be stressed about?”

Even as she said it, her mind backtracked to recent events. Losing control of the girls bathrooms to Alaska Thunderfuck. The Thunderfucks poisoning her and making her miss out on a critical prom queen campaigning event. Finding out Willam was also nominated for the title. Exposing Adore as a double agent and then--good God, the blood. Adore’s screams--she could still hear them. Prom night, _fuck,_ prom night and Ariel _fucking_ Versace.

Willam’s bounce of hair in the backseat of Justin’s car as it rocked in his dimly-lit driveway.

“Okay,” leveled Valentina. “Maybe a little.”

“Exactly,” said the doctor. “See, your stress levels are triggering your hair loss. If you want to keep your hair and hopefully see some of it grow back, you’re going to need to keep your composure at all times. Keep your temper to a minimum, and learn to relax.”

“Relax?” Valentina echoed. “I’m sorry, doc, but I don’t live in a GODDAMN MENTOS COMMERCIAL! I am _head_ cheerleader. Do you have any idea the enormous pressure--” She ran a hand through her hair and started screaming when a sturdy hunk of brown strands sloughed off between her fingers. 

“Valentina, it’s not too late.” The doctor deepened his voice, certain she would be willing to work with him now that she could see how much was at stake. He brightened his tone and went to stand up. “Anyway, I’m sure nobody has even noticed yet!”

Valentina’s shoulders slumped.”Oh, trust me: _everyone has noticed.”_ It started with Alaska, but Willam had been calling her Patrick Stewart this past week. Katya had noticed during cheer practice and even Jinkx and Ivy had come up to her to tell her her bald spot(s) were showing. Ivy had given her a hat to cover up. It didn’t even go with her outfit that day but measures had become dire enough that she’d been wearing head coverings daily since then. Thank God the school didn’t enforce the no-hats rule. 

“Well, either way,” said the doctor with some finality. “If you want to keep your hair, you’ll have to control your temper.”

+++++

Katya and Ongina skipped down the single hallway of the Oak Park Mall with Kids R Us, Bath & Body Works and Forever 21 bags slung over their shoulders. Katya noticed what a feat it was for the nine-year-old, with her shoulders the size of an Easy Bake Oven. Katya had offered to carry Ongina’s bags for her, but that kid was nothing if not self-sufficient. It was a Thunderfuck thing, Katya supposed, which probably came from raising themselves, what with their alcoholic mother and absent father.

Ongina rambled “So I said ‘you better fix the big wheel, or you can bet I’ll see your ass in small claims court!' ”

Katya smiled and blushed as she realized the girl was still talking and she hadn’t been listening for a solid few minutes. But she knew from hanging out with Willam and Valentina what to say during conversations that felt like this one: a bitch session. “Haha-- you burned him, you burned him good.” She smiled at Ongina. It was really nice just hanging out, not having any vendettas out against anyone--

“Hey, Katya.” 

Valentina’s voice. She tensed. “Scatter!” Katya prompted Ongina. The younger fled the scene as the chesnut-haired cheerleader approached.

“Um, what the fuck was that all about?” asked Valentina. 

“I-that was ah-um-it-” Katya floundered.

Valentina waved a hand, dropping the subject. Katya relaxed. “Where the fuck is Willam? I clearly said to meet here at four.”

No sooner had Valentina spoken Willam’s name then the girl appeared, earbuds plugged in, looking like a crazy person dancing to music only she could hear. Valentina walked straight over to her and yanked on the blue cord, pulling the tiny speakers from Willam’s ears and eliciting a whine from the blonde. 

Valentina pulled Willam over to Katya, reuniting the triad. “Listen, I called you here for a reason.” 

Before she could continue, Willam tensed by her side and pointed a finger at something outside the group huddle. “What in the fuck is that?!”

The ‘that’ in question swiped her thick, curly hair over her shoulder and smiled menacingly. “Hey, Will Belli. Long time, no see.” She pronounced Willam’s last name ‘belly’, like she knew Willam hated. The co-head-vice-captain of the cheer squad prickled. 

Katya’s thoughts escaped her mouth, dripping with shock and awe. “Oh. My. God. Roxxxy Andrews.”

“I’m sorry,” Willam interjected, teeth clenched. “The _fuck_ do you think you’re doing here?”

Roxxxy rested her weight on one side. “Oh, just picking up new dress shirts for my boyfriend at Ralph Lauren.” She beamed at Willam. “He says hi by the way.”

Willam developed the look of a dictator trying very hard not to lunge at a rival. Valentina stepped in front of her and addressed the visitor. _“_ _Roxxxy_ _,”_ she said with thinly-veiled hostility. “I was not aware that I lifted your ban from Oak Park Mall after the water park incident.”

“Oh, no, no you didn’t.” Katya fervently shook her head. “I would have received paperwork.” 

Valentina felt her blood pressure rising. All she wanted to do was send Roxxxy running back across the ‘69 to Assyousuck where she belonged. But she remembered her doctor’s rules about her temper. “Roxxxy,” started Valentina with trembling restraint. “You are no longer a member of the cheer squad. You don’t even go to Overboard Park anymore. Might I ask exactly what you are doing here at Oak Park Mall?”

“She’s with us.” A new voice joined the conversation as two new girls in identical orange cheer uniforms to Roxxxy flanked her. It seemed that the tall girl with artfully tousled brown hair had spoken. The other new girl had giant platinum blonde hair and wore bright pink makeup in comparison to her fellow squad members’ neutral tones.

Katya continued her expository commentary. “Ohmygod, Tammie Brown, head cheerleader of the Assyousuck High cheer squad and--” Katya gasped loudly at the pink blonde. “Some other girl.”

Valentina swallowed her pride momentarily. “Tammie,” she greeted tensely.

“Valentina, Katya, Willam,” Tammie smiled theatrically and regarded each member with a nodd, direct eye contact and a flourish of hands. 

“Suck my dick you cunt,” spat Willam.

"Excuse your mouth!" Tammie was dramatically taken aback. She rested a hand on her sternum, scandalized. “Anyway, that was quick, Willam. Not even gonna try to be civil?” She and the pink girl giggled. Roxxxy tried to sneak an eye roll but Tammie caught her and lightly patted her co-cheerleader’s cheek, an insider signal for ‘you have displeased me’. 

Valentina skipped ahead to the issue at hand. “I’m sorry, Tammie, but you more than anyone should be privy to the laws that rule cheer teams in the state of Queersas.” 

Valentina looked to Katya and prompted her to recite, which Katya did, perfectly from memory. “Every cheer squad is entitled to occupy the immediate area of their specified mall and/or shopping plaza and are barred from entering the mall and/or shopping plaza belonging to another cheer squad without first acquiring prior written consent.”

Valentina nodded Katya her approval before continuing. “So, Tammie, I’m going to have to ask you to leave--”

“You know, Valentina,” Tammie started to get fake-choked up. “It’s quite the unfortunate series of circumstances that brought us here. A few weeks ago, Riviera Shopping Center in Assyousuck tragically burned to the ground.” She motioned toward Roxxxy as she said “My new co-head-vice-captain here suggested we make our way to the Oak Park Mall, where we would be welcomed with open arms.” Tammie performed awkwardness, rubbing the back of her neck and staring into the distance. “It seems she was mistaken. Unfortunately”

“Listen, bitch,” Willam cut in. “You are on Overboard Park turf right now. We don’t give a fuck what backwoods hillbilly burned down your mall!”

The pink girl who had yet to be introduced raised her hand. “Actually, it was a combination backrub and foot-massager.”

Katya whispered across no-woman’s-land, “God, those are so dangerous.”

Roxxxy stepped forward. “Listen, the rules have changed. You can’t hog a Lowe’s and a Zumiez all to yourselves. This is our mall now.”

Valentina saw red. “YOUR MALL?”

_If you want to keep your hair, you have to control your temper._

She swallowed her anger and took a deep breath. _“_ _Roxxxy_ _,_ I don’t think that would be the best idea.”

“ ‘Not the best idea’?” Willam mocked. “It’s a ridiculous PIECE OF SHIT of an idea!”

Tammie took an excited few steps toward her adversaries. “Oh _,_ _really_ _,_ Willam?” She oozed giddiness. “Are we gonna have to have a _rumble?"_

“Oooooh!” Pinkie clapped her hands as if a rumble was the most exciting thing to happen all week. 

Willam scoffed. “A rumble? No, I don’t wanna have a rumble. How about I unlace my shoe, turn it sideways, and stick it up your uterus you stupid cunt!”

“Woah, she sounds like HBO,” Pinkie remarked to Katya.

Katya shrugged. “It’s how everybody talks at my school. But Willam does have a veritable bestiary of creative swears up her sleeve. I haven’t seen her this entertained since her last spat with Violet Thunderfuck.” Katya winked at Pinkie, who became a few shades pinker than before. Having decided she recognized the Assyousuck girl from somewhere, Katya asked, “Do I know you?”

Pinkie linked her fingers together and pursed her lips. “You might know my dad--he’s like, on real estate billboards and stuff?”

Katya’s face brightened. “Ohmygod, mine too! What’s his name?”

“Brian?”

“Yeah, it is, what’s yours?”

“His name is Brian.”

“Yeah, Brian?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s how you spell it?”

“With a ‘B’?”

“Yes, do you know him?”

“Um, sorry, how do you pronounce it?”

“We pronounce it ‘Brian’--that’s what my dad says!”

The two girls’ confusion had attracted the attention of their squads. Willam felt dumber and dumber listening to the two idiots squawk at each other. She screamed “KATYA!” at the same time Tammie yelled “TRIXIE!”

The two girls wheeled around when called and remarked in perfect synchronization: “What?! Oooooh.”

Trixie giggled. “We both have dads named Brian.”

The other girls rolled their eyes. Returning to the issue of possession of the mall, Tammie spoke up. “Since it appears we have reached an arguing stalemate, I’d like to offer up a little wager. Valentina, I’m sure yall plan on going to cheer nationals in Daytona Beach this year?”

Trixie, remembering her position as lower-left of the Assyousuck pyramid, tried to join in on the intimidation best as she could. “Yeah, going to Daytona beach, to _lose_!” she scream-laughed and looked to Roxxxy and Tammie for their reactions. Her laughter cut off at the sight of their blank stares. 

Katya reached out a hand to Trixie’s arm and whispered “It was a good try.”

“If Overboard beats Assyousuck at cheer nationals, you’ll never hear from us again.” Tammie continued. She artificially tightened her voice, trying for sincerity. “We’ll go back over the ‘69, disband the cheer squad, and... be gone forever.”

Valentina and Willam shared a victorious look before Tammie had to go and ruin it.

“If we prove victorious, however, you cede control of your entire mall to us, Lowe’s home goods and all.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her steely gaze trained on the other Head Cheerleader.

Valentina chewed on the inside of her cheeks, trying to formulate a response that didn’t involve telling Tammie Brown to do a host of unclean things with the crucifix necklace she wore around her neck. Instead, she measured her tone and settled for: “I feel conflicted about this agreement.”

Willam stomped her foot. What the fuck had happened to the Valentina she knew and loved? “CONFLICTED?! Val, what the FUCK is your deal? Why don’t you just tell these cum-hungry demon whores to go fuck themselves on the pointy ends of their grandfather’s COCKS?!”

Valentina tried to ignore the amazed look Trixie shot Katya. “Will, I’m trying to control my temper. I’ll explain later but I pretty much agree with everything you’ve said so far.”

Trixie turned to Katya as she discreetly programmed her number into Katya’s phone while the other girl did the same. “Do you ever just get lost in their conversations?”

“Huh?”

“Exactly!” They re-exchanged devices. 

As Katya put hers back in her bra, she said softly, “Sorry about your mall.”

“Don’t be,” Trixie cocked an eyebrow. “Our best stores were a Sam Goodie and a Waldenbooks. It was for the best.”

Tammie held herself high and proclaimed, “So the stakes are set.”

“We’ll see you guys at nationals,” sneered Roxxxy.

Tammie smiled brightly. It just wasn’t fair how clean her skin was--she reflected the light like a sparkly vampire. “So you guys had better bring your A game, _if_ your best is good enough to even _get_ to Daytona.” she gave Roxxxy a side-eye.

Willam looked to Valentina incredulously, who offered no help. Returning her attention to the Assyousucks, she said, “Okay, listen sluts, the only thing we’re gonna _bring_ to nationals is three strap-ons so after we win you can SUCK OUR DICKS!” She turned to Roxxxy and added sweetly, “Except for you, Rocks, I’ve heard about your gag reflex.”

Roxxxy’s nostrils flared. “Ex- _cuse_ me cunt--”

“Roxxxy!” Tammie chastised an extremely pissed-off Roxxxy Andrews. “You’re at Assyousuck now. We hold ourselves to a higher standard. We don't stoop to the level of Overboard _bark!”_ She giggled at her own juvenile humor.

“Bark--like a _dog_!” Trixie laughed out of fear. There were lots of other girls who would kill for her position and Tammie was known to fire girls for not laughing at her jokes. 

Trixie looked to Katya pleadingly. The other girl nodded. “I get it.”

“Well, bring it at nationals, where I’m gonna be opening a can of whoop- _butt_ on you.” Roxxxy said. The other girls went to walk away, but she stayed behind. Roxxxy whispered, “And by ‘butt’, I mean ‘ass’. As in the _ass_ I’m gonna be fuckin’ you in, _bitch_.”

Tammie called her away, and within moments, the Assyousuck cheer squad was off. Conversation among the three was just about to take off when they were disrupted by a “Psst!”

They stopped in their tracks and looked around for the whistling air vent. “Psst, _Psst_!”

Trixie jumped back from a figure in a trench coat and reflective sunglasses. Tammie leaned down. “Can we help you? Are you lost, little boy?”

Slightly taken aback, Trench Coat shifted the placement of the ill-fitting glasses on her face. “Actually,” she said in a forced gruff voice that prompted a coughing fit and abandonment of the vocal disguise. “Actually, it’s more about me helping you. I can be quite the asset to anyone looking to overthrow the Overboard Park cheer squad.” She took a dramatic pause. “Especially Katya.”

\-------

Trixie chewed her nail that evening as she stared at Katya’s contact on her screen. She was Trixie’s rival--they couldn’t work together. She couldn’t betray Tammie. People who pissed off Tammie ended up skipping town, never to return. So why was Trixie’s heart hammering in her chest? Why was her conscience screaming at her to tell Katya she had a traitor on her squad? A traitor who claimed to have ‘mad tea’ on Katya herself? 

_Maybe she’s lying_ , Trixie tried to comfort herself. _Maybe she’s a double-agent trying to win over Assyousuck’s trust and gain their secrets to report back to Overboard Park._

 _UNHhhh,_ this was hurting her brain. It was 11 pm and Trixie had a calculus test the next day she hadn’t studied for. It would disappoint Tammie to know someone in her circle let herself falter in her ambition. But every time she tried to devote time to staring at parabolas, Katya’s laughing face broke through. 

Trixie rested her head on her desk and moaned. 

She had it bad for this Katya, a rival she barely knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> valentina's reaction to being told by a medical professional to 'avoid stress' is fully valid and you can fight me on that


	4. Babes Havin' Babiez

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courtney is being followed for a reality show; the popular girls vy for attention. Oh, the epic cheerleader meltdown. grab some popcorn and prepare yourself for some t r a s h reality television

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, here’s the link to the episode this is based on. [ _It might actually be the best episode in the season._ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opC8yrfg3vQ&t=39s)

Teaser 

_**CHEERFUL MUSIC** _

**[FADE IN: B-roll of Overboard Park High School.]**

NARRATOR:

This week on _Babes Havin' Babies,_ we visit Overboard Park High School in Rainbow County, Queersas and meet Courtney Act, a precocious and beautiful foreign exchange student with a pension for unprotected sex, nip-slips, and Australian flags.

**[Montage shows footage of WILLAM BELLI, muscular and golden-blonde, always wearing a cheerleading uniform.]**

NARRATOR (contd):

And meet her best friend, Willam Belli. She’s slutty. She enjoys handjobs, and she loves yelling at people.

**[Montage continues]**

NARRATOR (contd):

All this and more this week--on Babes Havin' Babies!

**[Title sequence plays]**

+++++

(one month previously)

“Like I tell you _every_ day, Courtney Act,” Lunch Lady Bianca snapped. “I don’t sell anything I can’t spell. I have ROLLS. R-O-O-L-S. Rolls. Would you like. A ROLL?”

Courtney sighed. “I s’pose that’ll do, once again.” 

“CUT! CUT!” came a voice from the side of the cafeteria. Two men approached the counter, one holding a megaphone, the other a cartoonishly large camera.

Bianca jumped back. “Is this about the grass, because I _swear_ it’s medicinal, I mean--I don’t have to tell you anything--I mean, ah, would you like some meatloaf?”

Megaphone Guy disregarded the lunch lady’s outburst. “Court, that was fine, but--”

“What the FUCK is the holdup over here?” demanded Willam as she approached Courtney, stopping in her tracks to eye up the cameraman. “Are-are we going to be on TV?”

“Yea, Willam, I’m being filmed for an American reality television--how’d’ya say--show.” 

Before Willam could react, the director with the megaphone jumped in. He had unkempt brown facial hair and greasy-looking skin. “Oh! So this is the famous Willam Belli?! Jake, get some shots of Courtney and her best friend Willam.”

“Sure thing, Sean,” replied Jake the Camera Guy.

“Oh? _Court_ , you talked to ‘em about me?” Willam smiled and posed for the camera, speaking more to its reflective eye than Courtney herself.

“Yea, that you and I are--how’d’ya say--best friends,” Courtney’s honest smile was projected in her voice.

“And I get to be on the show?” Willam played with her hair.

“If you are, in fact, this girl’s best friend,” said Sean the Director.

Willam fake-laughed, keeping eye contact with her reflection. “Haha, Court,” She watched herself play-slap Courtney on the arm. “That I am!” She awkwardly wrapped her arms around the exchange student, much to Courtney’s delight. Courtney pulled Willam closer and pushed herself up on her toes excitedly. 

Willam pulled back, too much physical contact for her tastes. “Um, best friend,” Willam was torn between making herself look good and selling her performance. “I’ve saved you a seat at the center lunch table if you’d like to join me.”

Courtney beamed. “I’d love to, bestie!” She grabbed Willam’s arm and linked them together by the elbows. Willam hoped the Allseeing Eye didn’t catch her flinching at the touch.

Bianca caught the director by the arm. “So, this reality show, like 16 and Pregnant?”

He nodded. “Like that, but it’s called Babes Having Babies and we only follow hot chicks during the first trimester of their pregnancy--you know, before they get all fat and shit.”

“Interested in interviewing me?” Bianca leaned toward the director and whispered “I _have_ had a few food babies myself.”

The director didn’t dignify Bianca with a response. He gave her a half-pitying-half-disgusted look before swiftly following Jake the Cameraman down into the center of the cafeteria where his money-making hot chick sat with her best friend as they snacked on vending machine Cheez-Itz.

.

Courtney had to pee, so Willam, Sean the Director and Jake the Cameraman followed her to the bathroom. On their way they were intercepted by a certain socialite.

“Oh, hey, Courtney, why didn’t you come to our table today?” 

“CUT! CUT!” Sean called. “Who the FUCK is this?”

“Oh, this is Alaska Thunderfuck,” Courtney explained, smiling at Alaska and joining hands with the other blonde.

Sean shook his head. “And who the fuck is Alaska Thunderfuck?”

“Some cunt you don’t want in your shot,” Willam sniped.

“Hey!” Alaska protested. “I’m not a cunt.”

“Well, whoever you are, you’re blocking my two-shot.” Sean grunted. He grabbed Alaska by the shoulders; and guided her three steps to the right. 

Unperturbed by the man-handling, Alaska reached out a long arm to gently guide Courtney closer. “Um, _Court_ , why are you hanging out with this bitch?”

“Because this _bitch_ is her best friend!” Willam cut in, looking straight into the camera. “No matter what you’re about to say or prove.” The words rushing out so fast she hoped the mike couldn’t pick them up.

Alaska made sure to speak gently to her friend. “Courtney, I always thought _I_ was your best friend.”

“Well,” Courtney began. “I’ve always ‘ad a special connection with Willam. We have such a witty kind of--how’d’ya say--banter.”

Willam barked a laugh and playfully slapped Courtney on the arm, hard. “Ha! I love it when you don’t know words!” Her smile was painfully forced. Willam spoke through gritted teeth. “ ‘Cause it sure seems like you do know them.”

Willam looked over at Sean. “Was that a good take?” she asked, still smiling. “Because we can do another take.”

Sean raised a hand, signaling the girls to just keep talking. He couldn’t quite tell if this was going to be the best or worst episode of reality television in history.

“Oh, Courtney!” Willam continued. “You just make me wanna SCREAM with happiness.”

Courtney giggled. “Oh, Willam, you’re such a--how’d’ya say--crackup.”

Willam scream-laughed.

“Okay, Willam,” addressed Alaska. “Since you and Courtney are _such good friends_ , what’s her favorite food?” She’d never guess it was, thought Alaska.

“Uuuuuuuuuhhhhmmmmmm…” Willam chewed her lip. “Shrimp on the barbie?”

Courtney smiled and remarked wistfully, “Reminds me of home.”

Alaska was confused and a little pissed off; Courtney had told _her_ that her favorite food was cookie dough. Surely Willam wouldn’t know: “Who’s her favorite actor?”

“Uuuuuuhhhhmmmmmm… the Hemsworth brothers?”

“Such hunks!” Courtney remarked.

Alaska sighed. Good Lord. “Favorite salad dressing?”

“uuuuuh...Thousand Island.”

“Ace, Will,” Courtney said.

Alaska face-palmed.

“Allright, I’ve heard enough,” said Sean. “Best friend number two, I’m gonna need you to go stand next to best friend number one.”

Alaska reluctantly took her place beside Willam. 

“Wait, what the fuck?” asked Willam, inching away from Alaska.

Courtney clapped her hands. “Yes! Room for all friends!”

Sean directed Courtney into the center of his shot, Alaska and Willam flanking her. “Now,” he told them. “On the count of three, you guys are gonna say ‘we’re havin’ a baby!’ Then you’re gonna kiss Courtney on the cheek. Okay, one, two, three--”

“We’re having a baby!” said Alaska and Willam.

“We’re havin’ a--how’d’ya say--baby,” said Courtney.

Alaska and Willam kissed Courtney’s cheeks. She glowed.

“BOOM!” exclaimed Sean. “That’s going in the Sizzle Reel!”

“Well,” said Courtney. “I need to be going to the toilet.”

Willam laughed. “Of _course_ you do, you beautiful preggo… person. I’ll see ya, girl!”

As Jake filmed Courtney walking away, Sean remarked, “Fuck, is it just me, or are all the girls in this school insanely attractive?”

Jake made no reply.

Sean leaned toward Jake and lowered his voice. “Hey, d’you think we can get these hot chicks to actually make out on camera?”

Jake laughed uncomfortably. “She’s, uh, havin’ a baby, dude.”

“And I’m, uh, having a deadline, fuckface,” mocked Sean.

Alaska made her way over to the two. “Hey,” she husked. “Do you think that we could maybeeee make a spinooooooff of my own series?”

“Well, number two, what’s your story?” The longer Sean kept the girl talking, the more material he’d have to jerk off to later.

Alaska told her backstory theatrically. “I was born into a dynasty of high school socialites, and was destined to popularity. But then, my rivalry with the local cheer squad stalled my rise to fame, stole my chance at prom queen, and ended up with me ripping off the arms of one of my friends.”

Sean looked to Jake, who was similarly weirded the fuck out by the girl’s story. “Who the fuck would wanna watch a show like that?”

+++++

Act I 

**FADE IN:**

COURTNEY ACT (TALKING HEAD):

Today for lunch, I had lunch with my two best friends, Willam Belli and Alaska Thunder.

**[CUT TO LUNCH FOOTAGE. INT. THREE GIRLS(ALASKA, tall, thin and blonde; WILLAM, athletic and blonde; and COURTNEY, our star) sit at the center lunch table in the CAFETERIA]**

COURTNEY:

Oh, Willam, are you enjoying the Tim Tan that Alaska ordered online for me to remind me of home?

WILLAM: 

I am, Courtney, thank you. (laugh) I love it when you pick out my lunch for me.

(beat)

But we should probably get going, don’t you think?

ALASKA: 

Willam, relax. Enjoy yourself. 4th period doesn’t start for another 25 minutes. Chill out, _old friend_.

**[CUT TO: ALASKA THUNDER TALKING HEAD]**

ALASKA (TALKING HEAD):

Willam Belli is not my friend. Willam Belli is a monster. If Satan himself crawled out of Hell, landed on earth and vowed to destroy all humanity with a fiery apocalyptic plague, Willam Belli would f[REDACTED] him up the a[REDACTED] with his own pitchfork until he bled out and died.

And if that doesn’t paint a clear enough picture, I once saw her watch and entire sneezing panda video without cracking a smile ONCE.

I will not stop until she is exposed as the two-timing potato-mouth-whorebag that she is.

[ **CUT BACK to LUNCH FOOTAGE** ]

COURTNEY:

Oh, my friends, this has been one of my favorite lunch periods of awl time.

WILLAM:

I couldn’t agree more.

**[CUT TO WILLAM T.H.]**

WILLAM (TALKING HEAD):

You know, I didn’t expect Courtney and I to become such great friends. Because, well she suffers from clinical denial, which I guess isn’t that uncommon where she came from

_\--(she lowers her voice like she’s cluing us into a secret)--_

WILLAM(CONT):

_Because she’s from California._

We all humor her delusions of being from Australia because the doctors say that’s what’s best.

You know, sometimes I feel like I’m taking care of a pet when I’m around her. Like… like a little dog. Yeah, like a little female dog, which I guess you could call a bitch. So in the context of this metaphor:

Courtney Act is a total BITCH.

And Alaska--well, there’s not really a metaphor for her, she just sucks a lot of d[REDACTED].

**CUT BACK TO LUNCHROOM**

Willam:

Okay, so is everybody ready to go--okay let’s go

**[VALENTINA and KATYA ZAMO enter. They wear matching cheer uniforms to Willam.]**

VALENTINA:

Um, Asska Thunder[SHARP CUT] What do you think you’re doing eating at the center lunch table? Your ban was never lifted. 

Besides, I always just assumed you poured your food directly into the toilet just to save yourself a step.

\--(VALENTINA and KATYA laugh, but Katya’s laughter is more uncomfortable)--

KATYA:

Yeah. I thought um… uh… I thought uh… y-you usually put your food--in your butt ‘cuz um--

VALENTINA(speaking over KATYA):

Katya. Katya are you having a stroke--

KATYA:

No, no no. You. You put your food in your butt and then… you poop the…

VALENTINA:

Katya, no

KATYA: 

You poop from your butt

VALENTINA:

Kat, mine was better, just leave it.

KATYA:

I really thought I had that one.

ALASKA:

Oh, Valentina. I didn’t realize this was going to be an issue. I was invited to come have lunch here with my good friend, Willam Belli.

**[Pan over to WILLAM, suddenly very interested in the stains on the table]**

VALENTINA:

(harsh laugh) The day that happens is the day I stick my entire fist in my--

WILLAM:

No, it’s true.

I invited Alaska Thunder[SHARP CUT] and Courtney Act to eat at the center lunch table with me.

VALENTINA:

Why the f[REDACTED] would you do that?

**[CUT TO WILLAM T. H. ]**

WILLAM (TALKING HEAD):

God _dammit_.

**[CUT back to LUNCHROOM]**

WILLAM:

(looks straight into camera) Because Courtney Act is my best friend.

COURTNEY:

Yea, it’s true. Valentina, Katya, would you two like t’ sit down? There’s plenty of room next to--how’d ya say--me.

VALENTINA:

Oh, no thanks, Courtney, because I’m pretty sure I’m about to wake up right now because only in a f[REDACTED] dream would you be Willam’s best friend.

\--(KATYA pinches VALENTINA)--

VALENTINA: 

Ow! Katya!

KATYA:

Sorry, sorry, I was just trying to wake you up. 

\--(looks dramatically into camera)--

**[DRAMATIC ZOOM IN]**

KATYA(CONT):

But wait! Who’s gonna wake me up?!

Oh, ohmygod. This is my world now. I’ve been inseminated!

ALASKA:

What?

KATYA:

Inseminated! Y’know, like in that Leonardo DiCaprio movie?

WILLAM:

Do you mean ‘Inception’?

KATYA:

(laughs) Oh-yeah. Right.

**[KATYA starts screaming and runs out of frame. Hold on shot of other girls watching her leave. Then CUT TO COURTNEY T. H. ]**

COURTNEY (TALKING HEAD):

Katya is a little--how’d’ya say--slow.

DIRECTOR(OFFSCREEN):

Can I get that another time without saying ‘how do you say’?

COURTNEY:

(nods) Of course.

Katya is a little--what do Americans call--slow.

DIRECTOR(OFFSCREEN):

(beat)

Great. Thanks.

**[CUT back to LUNCHROOM]**

VALENTINA: 

Willam, do you mind telling me what the f[REDACTED] is going on?

WILLAM:

I’ll explain later, Val, but for right now you’re just going to have to trust me that everything will be fine. Just as soon as this camera crew is done filming the reality show.

VALENTINA:

TRUST you? Oh, yeah, like Jesus trusted Peter not to deny him three times before the cock crowed? At this rate I’m gonna be naked on a cross with a sword in my stomach by study hall!

**[CUT TO VALENTINA T. H. ]**

VALENTINA(TALKING HEAD):

My Doctor told me to keep calm to avoid any further hair loss.

(She gestures toward the obvious bald spot on the side of her head)

Apparently, I lose one hair for every time I curse.

I have lost fifteen f[REDACTED] hairs today--oh Goddammit! S[REDACTED]! Son of a b[REDACTED]--f[REDACTED]-- I’m gonna be bald.

**[CUT back to LUNCHROOM]**

**[KATYA runs into frame.]**

KATYA:

Aaaa! I’m in the Matrix! Aaaa!

**[KATYA runs out of frame.]**

VALENTINS:

Well, just for today, I’ll go eat in the band room like a goddamn sophomore. But by tomorrow, all this had better be sorted out because I’ll go bald before I let this b[REDACTED] sit at my lunch table again.

**[VALENTINA leaves.]**

**[CUT TO ALASKA THUNDER T. H. ]**

ALASKA:

I gotta admit, it felt really good sticking it to Valentina like that.

But I wasn’t done with Willam Belli yet.

Act II 

**[CUT back to LUNCHROOM]**

**[BLAINE enters. He is Courtney’s boyfriend and babydaddy.]**

BLAINE:

Hi, guys!

**[CUT TO WILLAM T. H. ]**

WILLAM:

Oh, Jesus f[REDACTED] no.

**[CUT to LUNCHROOM]**

BLAINE:

Oh, hi, Willam. Are you here to yell at us?

COURTNEY:

Oh, no, Blaine. Willam invited us to have lunch together because we are--how’d’ya say--best friends.

BLAINE:

Oh right… I knew that… 

Hey, Willam, did I leave a Transformer in the backseat of your car? I wanna give my son a present when he’s born.

**[CUT TO WILLAM T. H. ]**

WILLAM (snide):

Blaine and I used to date.

(beat)

**[CUT to LUNCHROOM]**

BLAINE:

And that’s why I always say, ‘trust a Decepticon, and you’ll get burned’.

**[CUT TO WILLAM T. H. ]**

WILLAM (apathetic):

I’m really happy for him and Courtney.

**[CUT to LUNCHROOM]**

WILLAM:

Well, I’ll have to check my car, Blaine. It’s been a while.

BLAINE:

A while? It’s been like two months.

**[CUT TO ALASKA THUNDER T. H. ]**

ALASKA:

And now, for the Grande Finale.

**[CUT to LUNCHROOM]**

ALASKA: 

You know what I just though of?

We should invite Willam to the baby shower!

COURTNEY:

Oh, ace! It’s gonna be so much fun.

BLAINE:

Yeah, the theme is gonna be, get this (chuckles) Aussie!

There’s going to be shrimp on the barbie...

ALASKA:

Tim Tans,

COURTNEY:

My friend at the animal shelter is going to bring an Australian Shepherd for us to play with.

BLAINE:

And I will be dressing up as Mary Poppins. (chuckles) Willam, I bet you didn’t know the author was actually from Australia.

WILLAM:

Actually. I DID know that, Blaine. But do you know what DIDN’T come from Australia?!

**[CUT TO ALASKA THUNDER T. H. ]**

ALASKA:

And boom goes the dynamite.

**[CUT to LUNCHROOM]**

WILLAM:

This motherf[REDACTED] flag wearing, boyfriend stealing, stuttering piece of CALIFORNIAN HORSES[REDACTED]! Yeah, I said it! F[REDACTED] YOU COURTNEY ACT! F[REDACTED] YOUR BOYFRIEND AND F[at this point the censor pitched himself off the side of his office building] THE FETUS GROWING INSIDE THE _DISEASE RIDDEN VOID_ that you call a GODDAMN WOMB! 

And fuck you Alaska Thunderfuck. Fuck you, you shitty glob of donkey cum, I hope you burn in hell for the shit things you did today. Because you are not the least bit sneaky, you're not the least bit clever, and your _only_ talent is opening your legs to penises that would RATHER BE INSIDE OF ME!!

ALASKA:

Wow, Willam.

(looks directly into camera)

 _Wow_.

Courtney, Blaine, you guys wanna go watch _The Golden Girls?_

COURTNEY:

Oh, yea.

BLAINE:

I’m more of a _Family Matters_ man, myself. But that sounds allright.

**[ALASKA, COURTNEY and BLAINE get up to leave.]**

ALASKA:

Biiiieeeeeee!

**[Fade to Black]**


	5. A Six Person Pyramid with only Four Fucking People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis is back, Adore has a dirty little secret, and Phi Phi hasn’t learned from Adore’s mistakes last season.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It all falls apart when you realize there is no pie emoji.

Valentina marched down her line of girls, projecting her voice with all the force of a drill sergeant. “Ladies!” She began. “Today’s cheer practice is no ordinary cheer practice. This cheer practice is the first cheer practice of the  _ rest of your lives _ .

“The gauntlet has been thrown down by Tammie Brown and the Assyousuck cheer squad. At cheer nationals, there will be more at stake than a simple trophy. More at stake than a national championship. At cheer nationals, what is at stake will be our very LIVELIHOODS.”

Alexis Mateo leaned over to Katya and Willam during a break in Valentina’s tirade. “Um, guys? I know I’ve been gone for a while. My cousin, he was really sick. It was actually kinda gross. We all flew in ‘cause he was supposed to die and then he didn’t so it was kinda a waste of time in the end. But anyway what is Valentina talking about?”

“Alexis Mateo!” barked Valentina. She continued despite the girl’s interruption, “Because this is not about tyrannical governments--”

“Um, okay.” Alexis pursed her lips and tried to catch up. 

“This isn’t about freeing an oppressed people!”

Alexis furrowed her perfectly-penciled brows.  _ “Okay...?” _ She raised her hand.

“This is about a Cinnabon right next to a Surf City Squeeze!”

Exasperated, Alexis grabbed the sides of her head and hissed.  _ “¡Con un carajo! _ I’m now only  _ more _ confused.”

Valentina continued to ignore Alexis. “We need to send a message to the great state of Queersas to any nut-juggling pom-pom-thrower, that you cannot walk into Overboard Park, threaten OUR MALL. Our way of life, and OUR HOME!” She paused. “At least on the weekends and after school.” 

Alexis turned to Katya. “Wait, did something happened to the mall?”

Valentina, on a roll, swept her fingers through her hair, strands falling off in her hand of their own accord. She held them aloft for the whole squad to see. “Because they may take our HAIR, but they will never take, OUR HOLLISTERRRRR!”

Pumped, Willam joined in. “Wet Seal!”

“Sebarro!” Katya followed.

“Cla--no,” Alexis faltered. “Francesca’s!” 

.

( _ A/N: imagine a training montage set to something from like Bring It On: the Musical’ or something for this next part _ .)

Willam grunted as she tried to balance herself on Katya and Alexis’s backs. Why Valentina had decided to put the strongest member of the team on the second tier of the pyramid, she had no fucking clue, but Willam knew better than to contest with the captain in her scary drill-sergeant mode.

There was a dull roar of nerves as Valentina tried to climb on top of Wilam. She barely got her second foot off the ground before Alexis buckled, pulling Willam on top of Katya, flattening her, and landing Valentina face-first in the practice mat.

“MotherFUCKER!” exclaimed Willam. She massaged her wrists, which had taken the brunt of her fall. 

“Oh, yeah,” choked Katya, clutching her side. “That’s gonna be a hernia.”

Valentina sprang to her feet. “God DAMMIT,” she complained. “Can we get this shit right once?! Or do I need to give another lecture about how the pyramid is a cornerstone of every cheer routine?’

“Definitely not,” Alexis panted. She’d rolled onto her back and was trying to blink the back spots out of her vision. “The first two were plenty.” She settled for closing her eyes. Fuck, she missed a month and a half of practice and suddenly she was all flab.

“Then LOCK IT THE FUCK UP!” barked Valentina. Ten chesnut colored hairs unhinged themselves from her scalp and fluttered to the ground like sad confetti.

“You know, Tina,” Willam said as she stood up, shaking out her wrists. “It’s pretty hard to make a six-person-pyramid when you only have four FUCKING PEOPLE!”

“Well, where the FUCK are Phi Phi O'Hara and Alexis Michelle?” Valentina demanded.

“Ugh,” Katya muttered. “Story of my life.”

Some proverb or wise old person or fortune cookie once said “Speak of the devil and he shall come.” Phi Phi O'Hara strolled onto the court and dropped her bag on the corner with the others. “Oh, hey guys,” she offered. “Sorry I’m late. I was at a secret--” she cut herself off. 

“I mean I was  _ not _ at a secret meeting about the Assyousuck High cheer squad,” Phi Phi amended, slowly nodding her head.

Valentina and Willam shared a look. “O-kay,” said Valentina.

“Why would you even need to say that?” Willam asked.

Katya waltzed straight up to the newest-arriving member. “ _ Phi Phi _ , oh, hey, no hard feelings about the door, and the… arms, right?” She laughed nervously and scratched the back of her neck. “That was all like, crazy times and we were all like ‘whaaat’ and you--and you were all like ‘oh’, you know and I was all--”

“Oh,” Phi Phi’s voice was soothing. “Oh yeah, of course, Katya. No hard feelings at all.” She grinned, but there was an obvious foreboding nature about that grin. This ominous action was highlighted by the evil laughter Phi Phi built up steadily in her chest. Unsure of what else to do, Katya joined Phi Phi, chuckling hoarsely.

“Will the two of you knock it THE FUCK off?” barked Willam.

Katya patted Phi Phi on the shoulder. “That was fun, thanks,” she told her before happily dancing away.

Valentina approached Phi Phi. “Okay, Phi Phi? You’re bottom right of the pyramid. I don’t have to tell you how important the bottom right of the pyramid is to cheer formation, do I?” She patted Phi Phi’s shoulder. “Everything hinges on you.”

As the cheer captain walked away, Phi Phi talked under her breath. “Oh, don’t worry, Valentina. You can trust me… or can you?”

“Can I what?” asked Willam.

Phi Phi spun around. “Uh. Um. Can you…” she looked around for an excuse. “Can you hand me that pom-pom over there?”

“Get it yourself you lazy bitch!” Willam left to get something out of her bag.

“Oh, no problem, Willam,” said Phi Phi, too low for the girl to hear her. “You’ll get yours.”

“Get my what?” Katya asked, poking her head up from a pretzel-like yoga pose. 

“Uuuuuuuh,” Phi Phi said. “You’ll get your present. Which I got you. For your birthday?”

“Aww!” Katya flung herself back into a standing position with a finesse Phi Phi thought was only reserved for Cirque du Soleil performers. “My birthday’s not for another month, but thanks, Phi Phi!” She blew the girl a kiss before checking her phone. She smiled at a message and started to type back. 

“Oh, no, Katya, thank  _ you _ ,” Phi Phi whispered. 

In the days before everything got all fucked up, Phi Phi would have joined Katya and shared cute texts from her boyfriend as Katya shared hers. But Phi Phi didn’t have a boyfriend anymore, thanks to Willam. And she couldn’t fall asleep without sedatives because the mental image of Katya brandishing disembodied arms in the middle of the hallway was forever burned onto the back of Phi Phi’s eyelids.

Alexis rubbed her eyes and sat up on the mat. How long had she been out? “Hey guys?” she asked. “Did something happen to the mall, because I’m still pretty behind on everything that’s going on.”

“You could say  _ everything  _ happened at the mall, Mateo,” smirked Phi Phi.

“What?” Alexis was so tired and hurt and confused that tears edged their way down her face. “What does that even  _ mean _ ? When did everybody here start talking in  _ fucking _ riddles?” 

“Allright, where is it?”

Alexis’s head snapped up, making her strained neck muscles twinge. There was a girl standing at the gate of the outside basketball court, where Alexis had heard the unfamiliar voice coming from. She wore a white dress and minimal makeup except for her dark lips. That alone made her look kinda scary, but the scariest thing about her was the fact that she had one giant-ass robot arm.

“What, an oil can?” sneered Willam. “We don’t have any, Jonny-5. Take a walk.”

The steel-armed newcomer smiled tersely. “Nice one, handjob girl, maybe later I’ll show you what the inside of your spleen looks like.” 

She said it so seriously, Alexis felt a shiver down her spine at the imagery.

“I received a text about pie?” said the new girl. 

Valentina stood by Willam’s side. “Oh, Adore, yes, I sent you that text. To be perfectly honest, though, I don’t actually have any pie.”

“I see,” said Adore. “I then assume it’s a cheesecake? A meringue? Some other baked dessert with whipped topping?” As Adore’s voice grew more forceful, Alexis retreated more and more out of the girl’s view. Her pulse sped. She watched Adore’s metallic fingers bunch into a fist. “Because I’m sure you didn’t drag me across the Sahara Desert that is the faculty parking lot for nothing,  _ RIGHT _ ?”

“I was afraid you wouldn’t come without an incentive,” explained Valentina. “And I wanted to ask you a few questions about Assyousuck.”

“Oooooh!” Adore’s mocking tone sent a flash of ice to Alexis’s heart. “Well, it’s a city in central Queersas situated along the Kai Kai river with a population of 11,000. Every summer they throw a  _ Golden Girls _ festival, where, rest assured, there is always plenty of FUCKING PIE!”

“To be fair, I never technically said there was going to be pie--”

Adore whipped out her phone. “I’M SORRY, but in what universe is an emoji of pie, preceded by the words ‘Want some?’ not a clear indication that you are in possession of pie and are offering it to me?!

“Is this your idea of a joke?” Adore blasted. Alexis head started to throb in time with Adore’s yelling. “You’d better start putting some damn winky faces and ‘jk’s in these text messages, bitch. Good day!”

Valentina didn’t need to chase after Adore, or even raise her voice. “I wanted to ask you some questions about the Assyousuck cheer squad.”

Adore stopped dead in her tracks. “What?” She spun around. Her expression had gone noticeably blank, her tone weak. “Never heard of ‘em.”

“I find that hard to believe,” said Willam smugly. 

“Who  _ is  _ this girl?” 

Alexis didn’t realize she’d said it aloud until Adore met her glance and asked “Who the fuck are you?”

“Not, right now, you don’t.” Valentina stepped between the two, her tone pointed. “Adore, you came from Assyousuck, right?” 

“Yes.” Adore took a step back. “Maybe. I duuno. Look, all I know is I don’t know them, and they sure as  _ fuck  _ don’t know me. Why? Did you talk to them? What did they say? Because they’re liars. They’re  _ all  _ fuckin’ liars.”

“I thought you said you didn’t know them,” said Valentina.

“I don't!”

“Really?” asked Valentina. “Well then how do you know they’re  _ all  _ liars?”

“Yeah,” chimed in Willam. “What are you hiding, Adore?”

“Nothing.” Adore folded her arms across her chest. “I’m an open book; ask me anything.”

“Allright, tell me about the Assyousuck High cheer squad,” said Valentina.

“Anything but that.”

“Oh. oh, oh,” piped up Katya. “What was the name of that Disney Channel show that Shia Labeouf was on?”

“Even Stevens,” answered Adore off the top of her head. 

Katya gasped in excitement and started typing on her phone. “It’s Even Stevens, Trixie--I mean. I’m not talking to a girl on our rival squad. Tracy. Martel. She goes here. I’m gonna shut up now.”

Valentina and Willam shook off the Katya Moment. “What’s the T, Adore?” prodded Valentina. 

“Yeah, do you have some deep, dark, dirty secret we don’t know about?” asked Willam, borderline giddy. 

“Listen here: Baldie, Handjob girl.” Adore extended her metal arm towards the girls. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I’ve got a good life here-- except for getting my arms ripped off and my never ending battle with Irritable Bowel Syndrome--but I don’t need you two Matlocks digging up anything that doesn’t need to be dug up!”

“Wait,” said Willam. “Do you mean that literally? Because I’m starting to get the feeling you killed someone and buried the body in the desert.”

“Maybe I did, and maybe I didn’t.” Adore gestured with a jointed metallic finger. “But I do know two things: stay the fuck away from Assyousuck, and start carrying some  _ goddamn _ pie around.”

Willam and Valentina watched enraptured as Adore marched away through the faculty parking lot. Katya was giggling at a picture Trixie sent of Tammie Brown, her butt high in the sky at Assyousuck’s cheer practice. Alexis read through a worried text from her mother. 

No one was paying attention when Phi Phi got the phone call. ‘Not Tammie Brown’ read the caller ID. She lifted the phone to her ear. “Hello,  _ not  _ Tammie Brown… _ absolutely _ … I’ll see you there… m’kay… bu-bye.”

When Phi Phi turned around, Willam and Valentina were staring at her. “Um. That was not Tammie Brown,” she told them.

“O-kay,” Valentina muttered before turning away.

Willam looked straight into Phi Phi’s face and squinted. “You are one strange little girl.”


	6. The Girl in the Fountain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phi Phi meets up with Tammie Brown and her Assyousuck minions to spill hot tea on the OP cheer squad. Adore warns her former classmates against crossing the OP squad. Trixie questions her loyalties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tammie's name is spelled wrong through the chapter. I'm aware. Don't worry abt it.

Tammie Brown gripped her empty Starbucks cup hard enough to crumple the plastic. She’d ended practice early for Phi Phi O'Hara’s intel and the girl couldn’t even be bothered to show up on time. “Trixie,” she prompted, an obvious edge to her voice. “What time did she say she was gonna be here?”

Trixie clenched her abs--something she did when she was uncomfortable or stressed. She used to bite her fingernails, but Tammy had lectured her for being unsanitary. Trixie had a six pack after working with Tammy for the past semester. “Well, she said to meet in front of the Lids at four.” 

Tammie glared at the giant clock that hung above the massive fountain.

Roxxy shook her head. “She lives in this town--we’re a half an hour away--how does  _ she  _ get to be late?”

“Psst!”

The Assyousuck girls spun around. Phi Phi O'Hara was back in that trench coat and sunglasses, trying to get their attention while they were literally looking right at her. “Psst! Psst! PSSSTTT!”

Tammy and Trixie exchanged a look, then returned their gaze to the obvious girl in a trench coat. 

“Psst! Psst! PSSSST!”

“ _ What _ ?” Roxxy whisper-screamed, exasperated.

Phi Phi straightened up and adjusted the sunglasses on her nose. “Oh, I uh, thought you might be fooled by my disguise.”

Roxxy made a sound in the back of her throat. “What kind of disguise is that-- tiny lesbian inspector gadget?”

Tammy giggled. “You know, Phi Phi, next time you want to host a private meeting, you might want to pick a place more private than a public mall.”

“Oh, well, I was gonna invite you guys to my mom’s apartment, but it’s her bridge night, so,” Phi Phi shrugged.

“Oh, you guys live under a bridge?” joked Trixie. “I’ll answer your riddles three.” 

She looked to her friends. They looked at her like she was a dumbass. Again. Trixie couldn’t help herself. She muttered, “Katya would have laughed.”

Tammy smiled. “Phi Phi O'Hara, you said you had some  _ dirt _ we would be interested in?”

Phi Phi nodded and lowered her voice. “Right, right… word on the street is, Valentina? Has a debit card.”

Tammy gasped. “Wait,” she said. “How does that help us?”

Phi Phi held up a hand. “Wait, wait, wait. She got it…  _ in 2013 _ .”

Tammy blinked. “That. Added nothing to an already worthless fact.” 

“Allright, allright, strike one, I get it.” Phi Phi said. “Time to bring out the big guns… turns out Katya’s boyfriend… is trans.”

“Katya has a boyfriend?!” the question escaped Trixie’s lips before she even realized she’d thought it. And it had come out conspicuously passionate. She backtracked. “I mean. Not that I care at all, like…” she cleared her throat. She couldn’t help herself. “But what kind of trans, like, born a lady, feels like a boy or born like a boy, wants to be a lady?”

Phi Phi’s eyebrows knitted together. “Ummm, he’s a boy with a pussy.”

“Excuse your mouth!” Tammy snapped out of habit. “Sorry, Phi Phi, but if you’re going to be working with us, you’re going to need to up your class. Assyousuck doesn’t tolerate potty mouth.”

“Um, okay,” said Phi Phi.

“And we can’t use someone’s gender identity to tear them down--that makes us look absolutely reprehensible. No way we can get the upper hand with that.

“No, Phi Phi, when we said we need dirt on the cheer squad, that’s not what we meant.” Tammy was trying to wrap up the meeting. It was clear that Phi Phi’s ‘tea’ was a bust.

That’s when Phi Phi said: “Well, I’ve saved the juiciest morsel for last.”

Tammy folded her arms across her chest. “Lay it on me.”

Phi Phi got close, uncomfortably close. “News from the grapevine says Courtney Act, get this,” Phi Phi lowered her voice to a whisper and motioned for the Assyousucks to lean in. “She’s  _ pregnant _ .”

Tammy gasped gleefully and jumped back. “Oh. My. G! One of the cheerleaders is  _ pregnant _ ?!” This was the exact kind of tea she needed! Bess this Phi Phi O’Hara--

“Ah, no, she’s not a cheerleader,” Phi Phi corrected. “She’s just a girl that goes to my school.”

“Why did you tell us then?!” Tammy screeched. 

Roxxy gripped the head cheerleader’s shoulder. Trixie massaged her ear, trying to muffle the ringing. 

“Well, you wanted juicy gossip,” defended Phi Phi. “And that sounded pretty juicy to me.”

“Okay!” Tammy clapped her hands together. “Clearly, I wasn’t specific enough. Roxxy,” Tammy motioned for the other girl to take over.

Roxxy happily obliged. “When we said we wanted dirt, we meant  _ real  _ dirt.”

“Yeah,” Trixie joined in, trying to shake off the hurt of finding out Katya was taken. She cracked another joke. “As in soil, like the stuff from the  _ ground _ .”

Again, nobody got it. Trixie wanted to run away and smother herself under a Mattress Firm.

“No, dirt like, here’s your life, now here’s some dirt, and I gone and ruined your life with my dirt,” Roxxy explained. “And now you’re dead, or at least wish you were.”

“And buried, in the ground,” Trixie tried again. “Which is where dirt is.” Seeing the other girls’ reactions, she retreated inside herself. “ _ Shut up, Trixie _ ,” she muttered.

Tammy turned to Roxxy. “Hey, Rox, you’re at like a seven right now, and I need you at like a five or less, okay?”

“Yeah,” grunted Roxxy. 

“I need you to say ‘okay’, okay?” Tammy smiled. Her eyes told Roxxy to submit.

Roxxy forced a smile. She batted her eyes at Tammy. “Okay,” she said, overly sweet.

Tammy brought her attention back to Phi Phi. “Now as I was saying, when I said I wanted dirt on the cheer squad, I wanted dirt that would lead me to victory at cheer nationals. Dirt like, I dunno, Overboard Park’s cheer routine?”

“Oh,” said Phi Phi. “I could have told you that from the beginning.

“It’s actually pretty ingenious. They use pom poms and megaphones, then they spell out a few words, and at the end, they construct a human pyramid.” she explained. “There are also several tumbles and back handsprings throughout the entire routine.”

Trixie gasped. “They stole our routine!”

Tammy grunted in frustration. “That is everybody’s  _ effing _ routine, Trixie!”

Trixie and Roxxy gasped in horror at Tammy’s language. 

Tammy regained control of herself. “I’m  _ sorry  _ for the strong language you guys, I really am. Just,  _ specifics _ , Phi Phi. I need specifics. Like what kind of music are they using? What words are they going to be spelling out? Do they actually have spirit and do other people hear it?”

“Ooooooooohhhhhoho,” Phi Phi said. “Yeah, I actually got to practice late so I missed all that stuff.”

Before Tammy could respond, the girls were interrupted by a gorgeous siren’s voice carrying throughout the hall.

“Going to stores and then buying things/ Hopefully I’ll make a stop at the food court--” Adore broke off when she caught sight of Tammie Brown. She pointed and her song turned into a scream. “AAAH! SATAN!”

“Oh!” Tammy remarked. “Well, look who it is, girls. Fancy running into  _ you  _ here, Adore.”

Adore turned her head away from the Assyousucks, as if she thought they wouldn’t be able to recognize her at a different angle. “I believe you have me confused for somebody else.” Her eyes searched for something, anything that could be of help

“Really?” asked Roxxy, skeptical. “You mean to tell us you are  _ not  _ Adore Delano, former handspring specialist of the Assyousuck High Lady Jaguars cheer team?”

“Nope,” said Adore, her eyes still searching her surroundings. “My name is…um… um…” She smiled, an idea forming itself in her mind. “ _ Cinnabon _ ,” she smiled and looked back to the Assyousucks. “ _ Yeah _ , Juliet Cinnabon.”

“Miss Cinnabon,” Trixie said, dead serious. “I just  _ have _ to tell you that I am a huge fan of your products.” 

Of course she knew it was actually Adore--she did have two brain cells to rub together. She just thought she’d have fun while she could, maybe lighten the mood, given how she knew Tammy would start strong arming the poor girl. Trixie couldn’t help but think of the reason Adore had left in the first place. Hadn’t she suffered enough? “May I just say, that butter is not only a friend, but an ally.” Trixie hoped her eyes would communicate her sympathy. 

“Trixie...” Roxxy held her forehead in her palm.

Trixie  _ needed  _ Adore to know she was on her side without letting the other girls know. “Can I just ask you--the caramel pecan bun, is it locked up at night?”

“ _ Trixie _ !” chastised Tammy. “We get it, you had a fat freshman year.”.

The condescending look in Tammy’s eyes made Trixie want to jump into Adore’s arms. She wanted to join Adore in exile. Anywhere was better than here.

Tammy was still talking. “Adore, I’m surprised to find you here. Well, not that surprised, actually. After all, where else would human filth go but Overboard park?”

Tammy laughed hysterically at her own joke. This time, Roxxy and Trixie joined in. Roxxy, because she’d come from OP, and was thus included in Tammy’s jab, and Trixie because Katya was the least awful person she’d ever known. Trixie started texting Katya.

**You busy tonight?**

Tammy was still laughing when Katya responded:

**No**

Immediately followed by:

**Y?**

“Get it?” Tammy choked out between laughs. 

“I mean, yeah, I got it,” Adore was more confused than offended.

“Get it? Filth? Because you’re here--” Tammy was taken over by another bout of laughter. 

Trixie regretted looking up from her phone. She sent six words to Katya, which she hoped would pacify her secret crush until she could get a chance to call her.

**I need to talk. Later tho**

Trixie stowed her phone and glanced up to find Adore looking at her like she was a puzzle Adore needed to solve in order to get an unlimited supply of waffles. Trixie had watched Adore win one of those one time. It was actually kinda scary-- Adore’s mouth had unhinged like a snake. 

Adore nodded at Trixie in acknowledgment. “Nice to see you again, Mattel.”

Trixie pursed her lips. Adore didn’t sound pleased. This situation needed levity. “Wait,” Trixie said in her best dumb blonde voice. “Is there something different about her?”

No one laughed or even responded. Fuck, this was a tough crowd today. 

“I understand you have been rattling the cage of the Overboard Park cheer squad?” Adore asked the three.

“Yeah, so, why do you care?” asked Roxxy. 

“Take it from somebody who knows,” said Adore. “Probably not the best idea.”

Tammy scoffed. “What are they gonna do, Adore? Call us the c-word and threaten us with anal inercourse?”

This time Roxxy and Trixie joined in with Tammy’s laughter. “Butts are God’s seat cushions,” said Trixie.

“Oh, no,” Adore shook her head, her tone dead serious. “Actually, you will get a lot of that, but trust me: the c-word and butt talk are the least of your worries.”

Trixie didn’t like where Adore was going with this. Her pitch rose along with her anxiety. “Did you do something different with your hair?”

“Listen, Adore,” Roxxy snapped. “Why don’t you mind your own goddamn--”

“ _ Roxxy _ ,” warned Tammy. 

Roxxy sighed. “Why don’t you mind your own,” her face contorted in resistance “ _ gosh-darn  _ business, and leave the cheer squad to us.”

“And if you try and get in our way,” Tammy warned. “We might just have to let everyone at Overboard Park know exactly  _ why _ you had to leave Assyousuck in such a hurry.”

“You wouldn't!” Adore snarled.

“Would I?” Tammy sneered.

“Is it your dress?” asked Trixie. “Did you get a new dress?”

“Listen!” Adore looked really frustrated. “I don't know what your game is in Overboard Park--”

“It’s the mall,” Roxxy said. “We want  _ the mall _ .”

Adore’s face scrunched up. “Why the fuck would you want our mall? You’ve got your own mall in Assyousuck!”

“It burned down,” Roxxy exposited. “This one’s here, so we're here.”

Adore gasped. She looked to Trixie. “Even the carousel?”

Trixie nodded sadly. “Carousel was the first to go.” She pressed a hand to her chest. “RIP Mister Clip Clop.”

“Well, regardless,” Adore said. “The Overboard Park cheer squad will literally rip you limb from limb.”

“Allright,” Tammy said. “I think we’re being a little overdramatic--”

“Look at me!” demanded Adore, brandishing her metal arm. “ You think this was a fucking mill accident? You think I'm fucking Bethany Hamilton from Soul Surfer?” Adore’s tone was getting more shrill by the moment. “They LITERALLY ripped me LIMB FROM LIMB!  **AND I WASN’T EVEN THE ONE THEY WERE MAD AT!!!”**

“Ooooooh, it’s her arm,” remarked Trixie. “She got a new arm.”

“Tammy, Roxxy, Trixie,” Adore’s tone was serious. “I suggest you leave Overland Park and never look back. They did this to me over a  _ bathroom _ . I can’t imagine what they’d do for an  _ entire mall _ .”

Adore’s warnings fell on deaf ears. Tammy rolled her eyes. “I get it, Adore, you want us out of Overboard Park so nobody finds out your little secret. Nice try, but we're not going anywhere.”

Adore raised her palms in surrender. “Alright, I tried using logic and I tried to reason with you guys, but now I'll spell it right out. Either you three leave Overland Park of your own accord or I use my Titanium Robot Arm to forcibly expel you from Overland Park, followed by all of your organs shortly thereafter, got it?”

Tammy scoffed. “Oh please, you wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Adore nodded. “You’re right, because a fly is an innocent creature that would never knowingly do anything to harm anybody. You, however,” she pointed exclusively at Tammy. “I would maim.” 

Adore took a few steps backward. “Don’t believe me?” 

She took hold of Phi Phi O'Hara with her robot arm. The student, who had been watching from the sidelines, popcorn in hand, went flying with one swing of Adore’s arm. The girls watched in amazement as the girl arched in a perfect sine curve through the air, covering about fifty yards until she landed with a distant  _ sploosh!  _ In the oversized fountain.

Roxxy, off-put but not horrified, turned to Adore. “You know that girl goes to Overboard park, right?”

“Oh, really?” Adore remarked. “I thought that was just a tiny flasher. Who fucking wears a trench coat and isn’t a flasher?”

“Constantine?” offered Trixie.

Adore shrugged. 

“That was impressive, Adore,” said Tammy. “However, know this: If you ever resort to using violence against any member of my cheer squad, I will make sure that every citizen of Overland Park knows exactly why you left Assyousuck in such a cloud of shame.” 

Tammy encroached on Adore’s personal space, backing her into the wall. “And don't even think about talking to the cheer squad about this. Because I've seen  _ every single _ Robocop, and I know how to take you out. I'm not afraid of you, okay?” Her voice was practically a whisper. “The only three things I'm afraid of are Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the film adaptation of Mario Brothers, and the word colander.” 

Tammy backed away from Adore without taking her eyes off the cybernetic freak. “C'mon Trixie, we're leaving.”

Trixie sneaked over to Adore before she followed her teammates. “Goodbye, Adore. I mean,  _ Miss Cinnabon _ .” She winked, then she was gone. 

As Adore smoothed the Tammy creases from her dress, she thought aloud, “Actually, Cinnabon sounds really good about now… do they still make Surge soda?”

While the girls went their separate ways, what they didn’t hear, or purposefully droned out, were the sounds coming from the fountain. 

“You guys! I landed in the fountain! Can someone help me out? It's pretty deep. It's a pretty deep fountain you guys… I'm not too hurt but this jacket is very heavy when it's wet. It's like an anchor… Guys? I can't float for much longer… Okay seriously. Ow! Who is still throwing coins in? Come on! None of your wishes are coming true! Can you give me a hand though-- No? You're just going to walk away- Okay, no I get it, I would walk away from me too.”


	7. Bitch Fest 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A week has passed since the events of Weekend at Katya's and the rival cheer squads run into each other at the mall. Two battles of wits and one changing room hookup awaits as tensions of all sorts continue to rise.

Valentina, Willam and Katya stood around the center of the Oak Park Mall, strategizing.. “Allright,” said Valentina. “I need to get some scalp treatment at Linda’s Beauty. Who’s coming with me?”

“While you’re doing that, I need to pick up some new lingerie at Victoria’s secret,” Willam said.

Katya pulled out her phone and panned through a list. “Oh, ok, well I need to buy a coloring book at Borders, a CD at Sam Goody, headphones at Circuit City, some Rocket Dogs at Robinson's, a Furby at KB Toy Store, JNCOs at Mervyn's, and then if you guys don't mind, I also need to return this movie to Blockbuster on the way home.” She held up a copy of what looked like a shitty 90’s sci fi movie. The top of the box said _Contact_.

Valentina pursed her lips at her friend. “Um, Katya? Literally every store you just mentioned has gone out of business.”

Katya shook her head. “Aw, I _knew_ I should have gone yesterday. Ah well, I’ve been meaning to check out Kids R Us for a while. If you need me that’s where I’ll be.” 

Before they broke apart, Valentina reviewed their conflict strategy, then they agreed to meet back in an hour.

_____

Willam picked up her phone. “No, Mom, I don’t know what a plane ticket to Daytona Beach costs… well just buy it for me! No, not fucking _coach_! What am I? An unwed mother?”

Roxxy Andrews picked that precise moment to stroll up to Willam. “Hey, Will Belly,” she intentionally mispronounced her former teammate’s name. 

Willam bristled. “Oh motherfucker!... _No_ Mom, not _you_...Stupid bitch.” She hung up and spun to launch a counterattack. “Oh, Roxxy. I wasn’t aware they let cadaverous sluts into the mall before dark.”

Roxxy fake laughed. “Ha ha Willam that's funny. You mind if I borrow that one? The same way that I kind of _borrowed_ your boyfriend's _dick_ in the lazy river, _bitch_?”

Willam’s eyebrows arched. She leaned back. “Wow,Roxxy, listen to you! Gee, what would Tammie Brown say if she heard the words that just came out of your mouth?”

“Oh, I'm sorry, is Tammie Brown here right now?” She looked around dramatically. “Didn't think so. So if I want to call you a bitch, I'm a call you a bitch, you _bitch_!”

“Well, good. I'm glad this is gonna be a fair fight,” said Willam, squaring her shoulders. “Like Rocky and Apollo Creed.”

“Um, news flash, Will, Apollo _beat_ Rocky.”

Willam pounced. “Uh, who said I was Rocky? You fucking racist!”

Roxxy leaned forward. “Oh, I _know_ you did not just say that!”

“Oh yes I did!”

“Oh no you didn’t!”

“Oh yes I did--” Willam’s phone buzzed. It was her mom. She hit Accept. “Hello. No, Mom I did not hang up on you… well I don’t know what you fucking heard. I’ll talk to you later!” 

She hung up and resumed. “Oh yes I did!”

“Oh no you didn’t!”

~~~~~

“ _Valentina_!” sang the sickly sweet voice of Tammie Brown. 

Valentina fixed a fake smile to her lips and turned to greet her rival. “ _Tammie_.”

Tammie pointed toward the bag Valentina carried. “Picking up some final momentos before the mall officially becomes Assyousuck territory, hm?”

Valentina exhaled a weak attempt at laughter. “That’s a funny joke, Tammie.”

The other girl beamed. “I know, so what have you got there?” She looked at the see-through bag. “Scalp Rejuvenation Solution?” She gasped. “ _Valentina_ , is daddy going _bald_?”

Valentina cleared her throat and turned the patchiest side of her head away from her rival captain. “Um, yeah,” she said weakly. “That’s exactly what’s happening, he doesn’t wanna be seen buying it for himself. Male egos, you know.”

Tammie squinted. “Wait, what’s going on on that side of your--” she gasped loud enough for the whole mall to hear. People cast sideways glances. Valentina wanted to be swallowed up by the ground. “Daddy isn’t the only one going bald, _is he_?” 

Valentina swallowed. _Temper. Control it._ “Maybe I am having some hair problems, Tammie, but it's nothing that--”

The other girl had her phone up and out. “Just give me one second,” she said with a gleeful smile. “Aaaaaand it’s on Twitter.” 

“Listen Tammie, I really don't think--”

“What's a better Instagram caption? Bald, Bald Baldie, or Being John Malkovich's Hairline?”

“Well, I mean I really think that--”

Tammie waved her off. “Never mind, posted, tagged, your life is ruined!” Her haughty laugh sounded about as evil as humanly possible.

Valentina lightly grabbed the other girls arm, demanding her attention. She leaned forward and spoke through an extremely forced smile. _“Look_ Tammie, it's not that big a deal. My doctor says as long as I keep my stress levels down and stop cursing so much, my hair will start to grow back.”

Tammie got a mischievous look in her eye. “Oh well, we'll do _everything_ we can to keep your stress levels to a minimum.” Excellent. She had the bitch right where she wanted her. Time to spill the tea. “By the way, I ran into your ex-boyfriend Steven Carburetor at Noodles & Company.”

“You what? I mean, you don’t say.” 

Valentina’s face cracked. She tried to hide it, but she obviously still had feelings for her ex. A weak point. _Excellent_. “Yeah, he told me that you didn't win prom queen. What happened there?” Her voice dripped with so much honey Valentina was on her way to being diabetic.

The brunette captain kept up her best poker face. “An unfortunate series of circumstances entirely out of my control.”

“You don’t say,” said Tammie. “Poor little Lemony Snicket.”

“You're so witty.” Valentina started imagining Tammie brown tied up by her feet and dangling over a large cauldron of boiling liquid

“I mean, you're head cheerleader! They practically hand you the crown with your uniform and pom-poms for crying out loud!” She flipped her healthy voluminous hair. “You must've really s'ed the bed to lose that one!”

Valentina’s self control was running out fast. A bitch could only take so much.

_____

Katya and Trixie agreed to meet up somewhere the other cheerleaders would never think to look. In a corner of Sears near the buzzsaws and fire axes, Katya poked her head around a corner. “Hey you,” she greeted.

Trixie turned and smiled. “Hey you.” they closed the space between them in a kiss. 

It was meant to be soft and fleeting. They were away from their squads but still in public--anyone could see. But the second their lips connected, Trixie took in a deep breath of Katya. Katya shoved her hips against Trixie’s, one hand gripping the small of her back, pulling her up, keeping it going. Trixie let out a choked moan. Katya smiled against her lips, then deepened the kiss tenfold. Trixie responded with feverish grasping at the nape of the other girl’s neck, and rubbing her crotch against Katya’s leg like a horny dog. 

It had been an excellent weekend with Katya and Matt, followed by an infuriating week. Trixie hadn’t been able to pay attention in class. She’d fumbled during cheer practice and almost killed Pearl in the process. Her only real friend on the squad had been forgiving and generous, even buying Trixie a fro-yo afterward, even though it was her who fucked up. Pearl had asked what was going on; she genuinely cared. But Trixie couldn’t tell her. How could she? _I’m betraying our squad not only by associating with, but participating in a polyamorous relationship with one of our rivals; thanks for the frozen dairy treat, pal._

Someone cleared their throat. The girls broke away from each other, panicked. _Who saw_? 

Thankfully, it was just some poor patron who needed to get to the merchandise they had been blocking with their sweaty bodies. Trixie looked at Katya and had to stifle a laugh. 

“What?”

Trixie snorted. “My lipstick is all over you.”

It was true. They both looked like melted clowns, red and pink smeared across their mouths like a toddler’s first attempt at finger painting. A makeup wipe each (or five) later, the pair were headed into the dressing rooms for round two.

_____

“So when you blow your dad,” Willam spat. “Do you jiggle the balls or stick exclusively to the dick from whence you came?”

“Oh, that's funny!” Roxxy retorted. “ Almost as funny as the idea of you giving a semi-tolerable handjob!”

“Listen, cunt! I maintain a reasonable grip!”

“Really?” Roxxy tilted her head. “Because I heard that most guys prefer to just skip a step and rub a cheese grater up and down the side of their junk!”

Willam barked a laugh. “Well, it beats the hell out of being known statewide as Queef Latifah!”

“IT WAS A NEW POSITION!” 

“Yeah, it’s called the RANCID BAG OF WHORE!”

Roxxy gritted her teeth and prepared to take out her earrings. “I'mma give you one chance to take that the fuck back.”

Willam grinned. She hadn’t been able to use her best material since Violet quit coming around. “When a guy goes down on you, can you hear the echo too, or is it just him?”

Roxxy straightened herself out, trying to make herself taller to better impersonate her rival. “Oh hi, my name's Willam, I judge other people for their actions even though I've had more dick in my ass than Zachary Quinto in a Venezuelan bathouse!”

Willam made a series of gagging noises, then spat. “I'm sorry, I was just trying to speak in a language that you'd more easily understand.”

“Ooohohoh!” Roxxy chuckled. “‘Cause I suck a lot of dick. You’re so creative, Will.”

“No no no no,” said Willam. “Alexis Texas sucks a lot of dick. You suck so much that Rainbow Valley, Purity Mission _and_ Shawnee Valley school districts have all named you prom queen. Enjoy it cause thats the only way you’re gonna achieve anything with your no brain and fucked up face.”

\-----

Valentina’s voice was tight as she tried to defend herself. “Prom queen isn’t even that big of a deal at my school,” she lied. “Homecoming queen is really what everybody at Overboard Park cares about.”

Tammie waved her attempt away. “Please, Valentina, everybody knows the hierarchy of queendom is the same at every high school in America. First comes prom queen, followed by homecoming queen, and _then_ Candy Cane Princess/Winter Formal. And then whatever consolation prize they give out to the fatties and losers that go to Sadie Hawkins’ dance.” She rolled her eyes. “I mean it’s not even a dance if you can wear a T-shirt to it!”

“Tammie, you are…” Valentina gritted her teeth. “ _You are_. YOU.” She was broken without the ability to fully bitch out a bitch.

“T-t-today, junior!” squealed Tammie. “Billy Madison,” she said, chuckling to herself. “Classic.”

Valentina gathered her thoughts and temper. “Tammie, there are a great many things I want to say to you but for now, let’s just leave it at YOU’RE THE WORST AND I’M LEAVING.” The last sentence was guttural and carried all the wrath of a hundred prom queen snubs.

“Face it, Valentina,” cooed Tammie. “When you’re not allowed to say the _a_ word, the _b_ word, the _c_ word, the _d_ word, the _e_ word or the _f_ word, you have _nothing to say.”_

Valentina raised an eyebrow. “What’s the e word?”

Tammie chuckled. “Nice try. I think we both know what we’re talking about.”

\-----

Katya and Trixie grabbed a number of outfits with the pretense of trying on clothes together. The sales lady was really nice which kinda made Trixie feel bad about their misuse of the changing rooms. She wondered if the nice lady would lose her job if they were found out, but then Katya gave her bedroom eyes and crooked a finger at her, and Trixie’s worries floated away.

Trixie welcomed Katya as the gymnast dove into her neck. Happy shudders traveled through her, winding their way down. Trixie pursed her lips together to keep quiet. Katya’s tongue danced around her pulse point, sucking, nipping, then moving on so as not to leave much of a mark. Trixie pressed her hand into the woven wall of the changing cubicle behind her. Katya stroked up and down her sides, teasing her chest. “Fuuuuuuucck,” Trixie breathed. Heat rose in her chest as well as between her legs. She pressed her thighs together.

Katya’s knee butted between her thighs. “Uh, uh, uh,” she chastised. 

Trixie pouted. She gazed into her lover’s eyes with desperation. “Please.”

Katya softened. She’d wanted to deny Trixie a little, get her dominance on, but when the girl looked at her like that… _if Trixie asked me to jump off a bridge while looking at me like that, I’d do a backflip off the edge_. 

Slowly, _achingly_ slowly, Katya inched her right hand down toward the hem of Trixie’s skirt. A whine from the back of the girl’s throat egged her on. Trixie squirmed toward the touch, and Katya didn't have the heart to deny her. Her fingers made contact with her rival’s dampened underwear. She lightly swept the pad of her middle finger across the cotton. Trixie shuddered at even that little touch. _Fuck_ , Katya got off from teasing a lover, but the way Trixie was reacting told her just how long she’d been waiting, and just how much she _needed_ Katya to ruin her. 

Katya took a chunk of Trixie’s hair in her free hand and tugged it upwards, forcing the other girl to look her in the eyes. Just that--that eye contact-- had her grow wetter in Katya’s hand. With a flick of the wrist Trixie’s panties were out of the way and Katya was stroking her slick folds. Katya kept making Trixie look right into her eyes as she fingerfucked the girl. Trixie was almost crying by the time the sales lady came knocking at the door. “Everything okay in there ladies?”

Trixie’s mouth fell open. She clenched around Katya’s fingers. “Almost done!” called Katya. She closed her mouth over Trixie’s as she crooked her fingers inside the girl, setting off the fireworks. She stifled Trixie’s squeals of pleasure with her tongue. She soon fell limp in Katya’s arms, panting. 

“You sure?” the sales lady asked, genuinely concerned. 

Katya shouted back a nonchalant “Damn skinny jeans! Don’t know why we bother!” 

_Go away go away go away!_ She supported Trixie’s weight on her leg and against the wall. A decent sized part of Katya was incredibly pleased with the fact that she’d rendered Trixie paralyzed from the waist down. The rest of her was concerned what it would look like for the lady to come busting into the dressing room, Trixie in ecstasy, Katya the only one with fully functioning legs and brain at the moment.

Trixie rested her forehead in the crook of Katya’s neck, and she held her there, all while telling the sales lady as nicely as she could “I know you’re trying to help but we’ve _really_ got this. I’m sure you’ve got shelves to stock or something.” She bit her tongue for how rude that last part sounded. She’d have to send the lady an anonymous fruit basket or something.

\-----

“United?!” spat Willam. “I told you I only fly Jet Blue… _because_ I don’t wanna end up stuck watching _Cloud Atlas_ for four _fucking hours_!” Willam ranted. “I want Direct TV.”

Roxxy waited patiently, looking around and wondering when they could finish their session. It would have been over by now if Willam would actually cooperate with her mom for once, but then, it wasn’t Roxxy’s place to point that out. “Yo, Will, is this gonna take long, because I wanna finish reading your ass the house down, but I got shit I gotta do today.”

Willam pulled the phone away from her face. “So sorry, my mom sucks. You’re a skank, I hate your guts. Talk to you later.” She said it so matter-of factly a passer-by would have thought she was telling her friend she’d meet her for lunch.

“Right back at you, boo,” said Roxxy before both girls headed off in opposite directions.

Willam raised the phone to her ear again. “Do you THINK I want a fucking aisle seat?... well then stop using FUCKING PriceLine!”

Valentina came rushing over. “Hey, where the hell is Katya?” she panted. “We need to regroup. I just got my ass handed to me by Tammie Brown.”

Willam rolled her eyes and waved Valentina off. “She’s probably playing in the fountain.” She kept raving to her mom on the phone. “Then check fucking Expedia… why don’t you have dad use his frequent flier miles?... BECAUSE I’M HIS **_FUCKING_ ** _LOVELY DAUGHTER AND I DESERVE IT_!” Willam slammed her finger on the End Call button and took a deep breath. 

She looked at Valentina. “Fuckin’ parents, amiright? I mean God, learn to love!”

_____

“You have no idea how much I needed that.”

Katya smiled and planted a kiss on Trixie’s pale blonde hair, messed from their play. “I think I do.”

Trixie looked up at her, her eyes clouded over with afterglow. “I miss you.”

Katya smiled, but only on the outside. “I’m right here, doll.”

“You know what I mean.”

Silence.

Trixie nuzzled her way back into Katya’s neck. “I think about you… a lot.” 

Katya made no reply.

“I don’t want this to be a secret,” complained Trixie softly. “I don’t want to hide anymore.”

That struck a chord. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean,” this time it was Trixie forcing Katya to make eye contact. “I want to come out to my mom.”

Katya pursed her lips. 

_She just made The Decision--be happy for her!_

_But I’m worried for her. Her mom--_

_Don’t you think she’s given this enough thought herself?_

_… fuck you’re right_.

“You’re doing that conversation-with-yourself thing again, Kat.” Tixie was smiling. 

Katya forced a mimicry onto her lips. “I’m just…” 

_How can I tell her when she’s looking at me like that_?

Then they were kissing, and Katya’s internal monologue stopped.

When Katya pulled away, it was to say “Trixie Mattel, I’m proud of you. I’m happy for you and… if coming out to your mom is something you wanna do, I’m behind you 100%.”

Trixie beamed and it touched Katya’s dark, dark soul. And again they kissed, not hungry or needy this time, but comforting and supporting.

They could have fallen asleep like that if it weren't for Nice Sales Lady unlocking the door to the changing room. Katya and Trixie obediently got up and let themselves out of the store so she wouldn’t have to call security on them. Katya asked for Nice Sales Lady’s name --it was Nicole-- and if she was gonna be at work tomorrow. Nicole looked cautious for a second, like _can I trust this girl not to show up and kill me tomorrow_? Katya smiled and said “I wanted to get you flowers or a fruit basket for dealing with our tomfoolery.”

Trixie giggled. Nicole smiled. It was uncommon for a troublemaker to be so congenial. Something about the girl who smelled like sex and flowers said she was safe to be around. So Nicole told her the truth. “I’m afraid I’m off until Wednesday. And I’m allergic to pollen.”

Katya grinned and shot Nicole finger guns as if to say ‘ayyyy’. Nicole pointed back. “Well, Nicole, expect the most bomb-ass bread/fruit/cheese basket on Wednesday from the polyamorous lesbian cheerleader.”

She said it with such pride, both Nicole and Trixie couldn’t help the second hand smiles that spread across their faces.

This time when Katya and Trixie broke apart, they knew it wouldn’t be for long.

\-----

“Oh, Katya, fuck where have you been?!” Valentina went on a steamroll of a rant without even letting the girl get a word in. Apparently there was more reason than ever to steamroll Tammie Brown at Nationals. 

While Valentina rambled to herself, Willam was sizing up Katya. “What happened to your mug?”

Katya’s heart froze in her chest. “I -- it -- what?”

Willam sneered. “Your makeup--it’s fucked. You’ve got no lips and your mascara is smeared to hell.” 

Katya instinctively covered her mouth. “Um…. uh. I… fell. Into the fountain.”

Willam quirked an eyebrow. “Why is your outfit dry then?”

Sirens went off in Katya’s head. _She knows! Of course Willam knows--Willam knows everything!_

“Look, don’t have a stroke, okay, Kat, I was just wondering.” Willam rolled her eyes at Katya’s deer-in-headlights expression. “I don’t give a fuck anyway. Will you come look at these pics of me in lingerie and tell me which ones I should send to Jonathan?”

Katya sighed in relief, then asked “Wait, Jonathan, like Jonathan Getslinhaumer? Goes by ‘Than’ instead of ‘Jon’ because he ‘doesn’t play by your rules, man’?”

Willam nodded. 

Katya pursed her lips, unsure how to phrase her question. “Isn’t he…”

“Gayer than the fourth of July?” supplied Willam. Katya chuckled. Relieved that at least Willam _knew._ Willam rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but he’s so far in the fucking closet he doesn’t know where the door even is. And he loves _Shadowhunters,_ hates _Riverdale,_ and loves taking shopping trips with me and talking about how hot the football team is.” Katya nodded uncomfortably. Something about it still seemed really wrong. Her face must have said as much because Willam defended “Hey, I know he’s gonna come out at some point but he’s the best fucking boyfriend I’ve ever had and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts, okay?!”

Katya held up her hands in resignation and started flipping through low quality pics of her co-head-vice-captain in sexy underwear and tried not to think of what Trixie would look like in all that lace and pleather.

\-----

“Trixie!” gushed Tammie. The newcomer to the triad found herself engulfed in a happy hug from her captain. _Please don’t notice I smell like sex, please don’t notice I smell like sex_.

When Tammie pulled back, she looked to Trixie with a curious expression. _She definitely noticed_ . Tammie cast a glance at the bag Trixie held on her wrist-- Bath & Body Works -- and seemed to attribute the funky scent with whatever combination of things she’d bought. Trixie breathed a sigh of relief. _Thank Christ I can’t resist a sale._

Tammie caught her and Roxxy up on the new dirt she’d found on Valentina-- namely stress-induced hair loss-- on their way to the car. Roxxy fell asleep in the backseat after saying something about an exhausting bitch session, leaving Trixie and Tammie alone in silence. Trixie was dreamily recollecting her rendezvous with Katya when her captain terrified her with a single sentence. 

“I know the smell of sex when it crosses my path.”

Trixie blanched.

_She knows._


	8. Cheer Tryouts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cheer squad is one member short to qualify for Nationals.

Katya held up a clipboard. “First order of business, cheer tryouts.”

“I’m sorry,” sassed Willam. “Why in the fuck are we hosting tryouts two weeks before fucking Nationals?”

“We need to replace Alexis Michelle,” said Valentina. 

“What happened to Alexis Michelle?” asked Willam. 

Katya shifted uncomfortably in her metal folding chair. “We aren’t sure exactly, but I have my best people on it.” She nervously twirled a lock of hair around a long mannish finger. “According to the best sources the state of Queersas has to offer, she hasn’t posted to Facebook in over two months, and her last status update was ‘I am the one who knocks’.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what that means, but if this case is cold, it’s ice cold.” 

Willam was also uncomfortable, but mostly pissed off that she had to stay after school for something that wasn’t cheer practice. She didn’t see why  _ she _ had to be here-- Valentina was head cheerleader and Katya did the paperwork. Mostly Willam just screamed at girls to stay in line. “Okay, why didn’t we just--”

Katya cut her off. “She hasn’t even been tagged in a photo since Winter Carnival okay?!” Now she was tugging her hair out of her skull. If she didn’t stop that soon she’d be as patchy as Valentina. “I have five freshmen staking out her house on 12-hour rotations, but the outlook’s bleak.”

“Why don’t we just use the five people we have?” Willam moaned. 

Valentina asked, obviously frustrated enough for the three of them, “Didn’t you  _ read _ the National Cheer Competition handbook PDF I emailed you?”

Willam raised an eyebrow at her captain. “What do you think?”

Valentina motioned to Katya and she blathered off an exact recollection of the rule she knew Valentina was referencing. “ _ Article 4, section 6b: In order to compete, all cheer squads must cheer with a minimum of six members. Failure to do so will result in disqualification _ .”

“And I will not run the risk of disqualification in front of  _ Miss Fame _ .” Valentina said the name as if it were holy. 

“Who the  _ fuck _ is Miss Fame?” questioned Willam.

“Seriously?” Valentina demanded. “Do you think I’m sending these emails for my fucking health?” 

She motioned for Katya to exposit again, which she did happily, glad to be of use again. She had been starting to get paranoid that her teammates somehow knew she was colluding with the enemy. “Miss Fame is the top modeling agent for pre-teens and young adults in all of the Midwestern United States.”

“She is also the head judge of this year’s Cheer National Competition. She has direct connections to Seventeen, Teen Vogue, and Sassy Magazine,” added Valentina.

“Don’t forget Teen Beat.”

“I didn’t forget  _ fucking _ Teen Beat, Katya!” snapped Valentina. She continued “One word from Miss Fame, and I can go from part-time model to  _ semi-full-time _ model!”

Willam relented. “Fine, but if we want to win, we can’t just accept any ass-hat off the street. They have to be good.” Katya and Valentina nodded. Willam added, “this isn’t the fucking water polo team.”

All three cackled at the jab. Water polo in the great plains was a joke unto itself. 

“Alright, who’s first?” called Valentina. 

Alaska Thunderfuck walked up. “Next!” called Willam and Valentina. 

Alaska walked away with a “Goddamit, fine!”

Katya smiled and waved. “Alright, thank you!” To her fellows, she whispered “I think she showed real promise.” She marked Alaska down as a ‘maybe’.

Valentina rolled her eyes. “Allright, next!”

Mimi Imfirst and Ariel Versace walked up. 

“Where the hell have you two been?” questioned Valentina.

Mimi smiled. “We got a series of part-time jobs!”

“Yeah,” added Ariel. “We’ve really been getting our shit together.”

\-----

_ Ariel made sweeping hand motions as Mimi pulled a Mozzaratti into a parking space. “Alright come on come on come on come on come on come on stop--” Mimi didn’t get the signal until it was too late. “MY SHIN!” screamed Ariel. _

_ Mimi turned around to see her friend bleeding from her pant leg. “Too far,” croaked the girl before blacking out. _

_ / _

_ Mimi smiled at a homeowner while holding a Cutco. butcher knife. “Hi!” _

_ Door slam. _

_ “Hi!” _

_ Door slam. _

_ “Hi, I--” _

_ Slam. _

_ A deflated “Hi...” followed by Ariel rushing in from the side, holding a box aloft. “WANNA BUY SOME KNIVES??!!” _

_ That house had a territorial pitbull. A pitbull the owner unleashed on them. Ariel, who couldn’t run as fast as Mimi on account of her leg brace, went down like Doja Cat. _

_ / _

_ “Hey, it’s Mimi and Ariel in the morning!” Mimi shouted into an ancient microphone hooked up to a moldy desk. A siren sound effect transitioned them into the next segment. “Oh, you know what that means--it’s time for traffic with Ariel!” _

_ “Well there’s a car… it’s in an accident… it’s really bad.” Ariel’s voice warbled. She couldn’t help it -- that pitbull had gone for the neck. The doctor had said it was a miracle she was alive, let alone still able to speak. Ariel was starting to think it was a curse. She’d driven away her older sister already. It was only a matter of time before her best friend left her at the mercy of a charging beast.  _

+++++

“O-kay,” summed up Valentina. They were desperate and they’d just sacrificed a good four minutes to that damn flashback so they’d better get at least a laughable audition from these two. “Do you have a cheer prepared for your tryout?”

“You bet your ass we do,” said Mimi proudly. “Ready Ariel? Okay! Gimme an O!”

“You got your O, you got your O!”

“Gimme a V!”

“You got your V, you got your V!”

“Okay, that’s enough,” interrupted Valentina. 

“Oh,” said Mimi. “Did we get it?” 

Valentina plastered a fake smile over her lips. “Let us have some time to talk it over, then we’ll tell you no later.”

“Next!” called Willam.

“Guys, what do you think they were spelling?” asked Katya. 

Willam face-palmed.

“Well, helloooo ladiiieeees!” said Tristan McKey, boyfriend of head quarterback Tanner Christiansen.

“Um,” said Valentina, raising a hand. “Don’t you go to another school?”

“Well yes,” granted Tristan. “Rainbow Valley Northwest. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have spirit!” 

He punctuated his last sentence with a series of peppy arm movements that made Katya and Willam seriously wish they could take him on the team. But Katya knew better than anyone else that a member of a given school’s cheer squad must be a current student at said school. Valentina told Tristan as much, and he practically blew up in her face. 

“Well, then maybe you shouldn't post your flyers in a goddamn Starbucks where any boy with a dream and a triple whip mocha frap can see it! Good day!” he walked away, then quickly banked back around to talk to Willam when she flagged him down. 

“We’re still on for facials this Friday night, right?” she asked.

“Honey, oh honey, I get a facial every night of the week, honey.” Willam guffawed. “But yeah of course we’re still on.” He kissed her cheek.

Willam waved at him as he left. “Love ya, bye!”

Katya tried to stave off the shock. She’d never seen Willam be so open and downright  _ pleasant _ with anyone, let alone a guy. Must be the impact of the magical gay stereotype, she decided. 

“Next!”

Bianca Del Rio in a trench coat approached. “Lunch Lady Bianca,” addressed Valentina. “This is a cheer try-out.” 

“Yeah,” chimed in Willam. “Not a meeting for the Association of Old Bitches Who Smell Weird and Serve Shitty Food to Minors While Making Inappropriate Comments Under Their Breath.”

“Oh! The AOBWSWSSFMWMICUTB!” remarked Katya. “I didn't know they had an Overland Park chapter!”

“Haha, girls, very funny,” said Bianca sarcastically. “But I think you’ll change your mind when you see this!” She whipped off the coat in a reveal of an OP cheer uniform. 

Valentina winced. “Did you get that out of the trash?”

“Of course not, ho,” sassed Bianca. “I made this,” she said with pride. 

Willam pointed. “It has a blood stain on it.”

Bianca stretched the material on her shoulder to get a better look. “Well, my girlfriend and I don’t say no to a little riding of the crimson tide.”

Valentina looked very confused. Willam’s eyebrows knitted together. Katya couldn’t tell if she wanted to hurl or run up and high-five the school employee. Willam opened her phone and started typing. 

Valentina started to say something when Willam screamed. Katya looked at what Willam had searched, and carefully took the phone from her and closed the Urban Dictionary article that had scandalized the straight girl.

Valentina took a breath and tried again. “Lunch Lady Bianca, are you gonna cheer for us or what?” She was so deflated that she didn’t even have the passion to drive the woman away.

Bianca shrugged. “I’m ultimately here to make Brooke laugh at the sight of me in a miniskirt, so what’s the fuckin’ point?”

Katya turned around to see Brooke Lynn, Ariel’s older sister, standing at the sidelines. Something about her was different than any other time she’d seen the ice queen. She was…  _ smiling _ . Katya looked between the jaded young adult and the older food service worker -- they were a couple. She’d never in a million years thought to put the two together, but now that Katya saw them interact, even across a field, it made perfect sense.

Bianca skipped away, bouncing thighs and breasts and while Valentina and Willam were gagging at the sight, Katya smiled slightly. Brooke was bent over cackling at her girlfriend’s antics. When Bianca finally made it within arm’s reach, the taller queen pulled her in for a sweet kiss. Then they looked into each others smiling eyes and skipped away, holding each other’s hands. It was so fucking sweet Katya wanted to die. 

“I’d rather die than watch that again,” said Willam. 

Katya only smiled. “Next!”

_____

Valentina threw her hands in the air. “We are so FUCKED!”

Katya lightly touched her captain’s shoulder. “Valentina, stop with the fucks, your hair.”

“What does it matter, Katya?!” she groaned, despairing. “I’m not gonna need my fucking hair if we’re not even able to compete!” she shook her head. “How are we gonna find someone?”

Katya looked at her clipboard. “I know, so many good choices.” She had a ‘maybe’ written next to half the names and a smiley face next to five.

Willam’s phone chimed for about the hundredth time that day. It had punctuated every single tryout and class they’d had together. “Willam! What the fuck is going on with your phone today?!”

“I don’t know, everybody keeps texting me about this stupid YouTube video!” said Willam, annoyed. 

“Oh,” said Katya. “It’s probably that Epic Cheerleader Meltdown video. It’s actually really funny!”

Willam looked at Katya confused. Katya tooh her friend’s phone and seamlessly found the uncensored clip from that teen pregnancy show that had come to film Courtney over a month ago. 

“This motherfucking  beret wearing, boyfriend stealing, stuttering piece of CALIFORNIAN HORSESHIT! That’s right! I said it! Fuck you, Courtney Act, fuck your boyfriend and fuck the fucking fetus growing inside of the DISEASE-RIDDEN VOID that you call a GODDAMN WOMB!” 

“What the fuck.”  Willam heard her own voice screeching unimpeded by censor bleeps or black boxes. It was Willam at her most raw. And people  _ loved _ it.

“Katya?” said Valentina. “How many views does this video have?” 

“Uh, I dunno, like six million?”

“UM.” Willam grabbed Katya by the arm not-so-gently. “Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?”

Katya shrugged. “I mean it’s funny, but it’s not cat-riding-a-roomba-chasing-a-duck funny.”

“Who even thought to put this on the internet?” asked Willam with awe. 

From out of the blue, a familiar throaty and douchebaggy voice said “A fucking genius.”

Sean the Director strolled over to the table. “What the fuck are you doing here?” asked Willam with no shortage of attitude.

“I'm here to tell you two things: you're famous and you're welcome.” 

Willam was very tempted to punch that smug grin right off his face. “You’re welcome for what?”

“Well since you ruined my episode with your sexy little gutter mouth, I decided to salvage what I could by posting your rant on the internet, and now the network wants to give you your own show.”

Willam’s eyes bulged. 

Valentina facepalmed. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Willam shot up. “I’m getting my own TV show?!”

Sean smiled. “Yep, TV show, all about you, your story, what you're all about.” Before Willam could celebrate though, Sean caused one hell of a facecrack. “Only thing is you can't curse and you can't make any references to sex.”

Willam stopped dead in her tracks. “Uh, excuse me, that video on the internet is filled almost exclusively with cursing and references to sex.”

“Exactly!” he grinned. “That’s why you’re getting your own show!”

Willam knitted her brows together. “But if it’s  _ my _ show, then it’s all about  _ me-- _ ”

Sean held up a finger and spilled the truth. “All about you, as long as it’s the  _ you, _ we want you to be.”

“But the me  _ I _ want to be likes to curse.”

Sean crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at her. “Not as much as you’ll like money.”

“But I like talking about sex.”

“You’ll talk a lot more about how famous you are.”

“Will,” interrupted Valentina. “We need to focus on Cheer Nationals.

Sean’s eyes lit up. “Cheer Nationals sounds like a great first episode!”

“Actually,” said Valentina. “We’re not even going to be able to go to Nationals if we can’t find a sixth member and we need to figure that out.”

Sean grinned that Hollywood shit-eating grin. “Problem solved! I’ve got your sixth member right here!” He motioned with his hand and Courtney appeared from nowhere, stomach still flat as a dashboard despite the fact that she was rounding out her first trimester. 

“G’day, Willam!” she said smiling.

“No fucking way,” Willam sassed.

“I think you mean no  _ freaking _ way,” Sean corrected. “And let me tell you, audiences  _ love _ watching you yell at a pregnant chick. She’s in, see you all at Daytona Beach!” He snapped his fingers and sauntered out to the parking lot. “Bring sunblock bitcheeees!”

Katya turned to Valentina. “Wait, does this mean we have seven members on the squad?” She rang up the uniform company. “Hi, do you have uniforms for kids?... negative seven months? Waterproof, please.”

Valentina rammed her head into the table.


End file.
